tHejOyfULcOmPliCaTiOn

2009-11-05T00:28:00.002+08:00

i've moved on.

From this life, filled with voyeurs, nasty tongues and illogical interference.
Goodbye kaypoh people who don't really care. :) Thanks for being the wonderful audience.

bye blog.

life isn't really that complicated.

part 2 belongs elsewhere:)

2009-10-07T21:10:00.002+08:00

turning into something you never thought you'd become
nothing is worth it anymore
nothing is precious
nothing is a treasure

Played too many times,
you begin to play
Crushed too many times,
you begin to crush
Betrayed too many times,

you just do likewise

And you feel there's
nothing. wrong.

void of conscience, void of feelings

Humans become senseless, worthless things

And nothing's changed, and nothing will.

This is you.

Unwritten

2009-08-15T23:40:00.000+08:00

I am unwritten, Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten, yeah

Oh, oh

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines, oh yeah yeah
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way oh, oh

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Unwritten

2009-07-21T04:02:00.002+08:00

I have a whirlpool of thoughts regarding this.

i dont knw whether to sympathize, say orbi or what.

If i sympathize,the answer is, you asked for it.
If i say orbi, the answer is, you deserve more than what u're getting now.

So i dont know. I just choose to smile.
Because, I have nothing to do with it now.
I just bought a ticket, to enjoy the show from far.

2009-07-20T18:38:00.002+08:00

im sick and everything has stopped moving.

Why can't i even get to enjoy the last few days of my holidays before school calls me up and im gona be round the clock busy again !!

bah!

I really dont know what happened. All i rmb was ive been to the doctor countless times, sent to A&E and recieved a call from Chris (i think) about me being suicidal on my entry and then i really dun knw what happened. i was drugged.

Seriously, for the LAST TIME

my blog DOES NOT reflect my true/current state of being. Firstly, it's stupidity on my part to reveal it via the internet and secondly, it mentions only about a few seconds in moment of time.

So IF im going to hear anymore overly concerned people complaining about my entires, i am going to shut down this site. For real. and open a new one u guys dont knw about!

Yay! goodbye!

okay i want to go out nw, bt i cant... screw u stupid diesease i have no idea about!!!
ROAR!

2009-07-12T02:00:00.003+08:00

shit. has been the core of my life of recent.

Lol. i think its quite funny. like im running in a rain of shit.

But yeah, like fariz said. We just gotta use that shit and make it work for us.

We both sat and looked back, knowing that the world changed so much over the past 5 years for us. And the ticket to get where we are right nw, is shit.

If you havent been through shit, you're not part of us.

You may have seen it, but you have not experienced it.
You wont understand the exact script running in our heads.
You probably wont get why and how we do things.

From your perspective, it may look like we're ruining our lives. It may look like we're too dumb to look into the future. It may look like we're thinking and running the short term.

Fact is, these things have been through our heads way before yours. Just that you dont understand the intensity of shit that we've been through, resulting in this current state.

Have you ever felt your world collapse. seriously. im not talking about oh no my boyfriend broke up with me. not just that man. not even oh no i failed a paper.

It's when there's no logic that resides in you any longer. the state of devastation whereby you dont even know if the world is real. i am not talking like this because i am some emo punk. it is actually a real psychological state.

Have any of you cut yourself, not becos u want attention. But as a natural reaction?
Have any of you completely lost control, and stormed screamed threw things around. it came so naturally, u didnt even have to think whether or not it was right, truth is, you couldnt. not becos you felt like it. it was never yourself, but it just. happened.

The ticket is shit.

It gets you into a reformed life. Can be good can be bad. But a whole lot brighter world. You wont be playing the innocent one anymore, probably the ones playing the innocent.

sometimes, you just got to play.

2009-07-11T02:36:00.004+08:00

there's so much shit thrown at me recently, the moment i landed in Singapore. Non-stop. Like spamming. Many sources, all just directed at me. like really. thanks alot. The Singapore i came home to, was just different.

i am currently led by the repulsion of human kind.

Specifically with regards to the issue of trust and betrayal.

I have been forced to swallow shit since it begun and still forced to, will have to, while the other end is just lala-ing away and enjoying at the cost of me. me swallowing shit.

You knw wht, i do have every right and perogative and reason to feel that way. I dont feel sorry for how i feel. Yes no grudge, no hatred, bt dont any of you dare tell me feelings will go away. It wont, not so fast.

A broken glass can be fixed, but it should not have been broken in the first place.

I feel my life specialization will be on betrayal and forgiveness.

Honestly, it is much easier to leave. Walk out. Cos i need the space and i need to breathe.
Im trying to start a new life, but people aren't allowing me.

It's no longer about him, it's about them.

they've sufficed the threat, at the cost of my life. You gain one, you'll lose the other.

period.

how you know

2009-06-30T02:59:00.002+08:00

i've decided to compile a list.
Some from me, some contributed by others.

This is how you know you've forgotten and moved on

When you wake up in the morning, it no longer is the first thing you think about.

When you're alone, you find yourself thinking of something else

When you recount the story, you dont cry anymore, you speak objectively

When you see a picture or anything object related, you feel as if you've forgotten something and you're pretty emotionless, you pretty much sigh and think "oh well"

When someone mentions about it, you dont feel the pain, it just feels like a foreign object, you feel like a spectator, not part of the show.

When you go to a place that's part of the memory, you dont think of the memory, but that its just a place you need to go to for your current objective. Or, you just walk by without remembering that place.

When you see a gift, it no longer holds its meaning, no matter how hard you try to look at it, it's just a dead object. It soul has seemed to have left it.

When you see the person, he feels like a complete stranger. You just feel he looks familiar, and possibly a potential good friend, just that...

nothing happened yet.

Forgive and forget

2009-06-29T23:16:00.002+08:00

Someone once asked me,
how can u forgive and forget. You cant possibly forget.
And if you dont forget, and u guard urself against the person, then it wouldnt be forgiving right?

I've learnt and i've been through, and ive come out of it.

Now i can tell you, its possible.

To forgive, means to not bear grudge, not take revenge, isolate the incident, and release it.

To forget, is just the choice to not think about it.
It isnt amnesia. It's a choice.
You need to birth it. It takes effort to forget.

Sure, when it first happens, you'd keep thinking about it. Sometimes it comes whenever things around you stop and u have some time on ur own. These times, I rely on God. Alot.

I realize, over time when u make the daily and constant decision to not think about what has happened, you slowly begin to forget the reason why u're upset. Don't remind yourself. Don't try to find a reason for your pain. Yeah, it'll be there, just let it slowly die out.

Most importantly, rely on God, and focus on him.

Slowly, overtime... you wont remember. Even when u do, the brdige between the memory and the pain no longer exsists.

It's just a figment of the past, you now think was just all a bad dream.

2009-06-26T02:01:00.002+08:00

my pain was imminent, yet i wasnt warned about it.
God, did you have that much faith in me?
Cos i dont, not in myself.

Cos im wretched and undeserving,
cos im weak and broken

Yet it seemed like i was made to relish the pain of the fire

I've learnt to stop asking God to take away the pain
I've learnt to live with it

knowing that the testing of my faith produces patience.

Im looking forward to the end,
letting patience have its perfect work, that i may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.

See you,
at the end of the firey furnace.

2009-06-25T19:09:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, i get the vibe the devil's upset when im happy
He cringes when he sees me set free

Right now, he's throwing darts at me

just when i thot it was getting better
just when i thot i cud walk again

He took the hammer
WHAM!

ouch man, baby, ouch

doesnt matter. God took the blow for me, i just felt the sediments

Butter Factory gu you!

2009-06-11T13:48:00.002+08:00

Went to Butter last nite :)

It was freakin awesome, tho the whole world was like there or something.

The objective of the night, was to out beat a certain memory, clean clear cut. So when people mention about clubbing or butter i wont think of someone. :)

Glad to announce, memory replacement. SUCCESS. that was the last place and awesome for closing isnt it ?

Met up with the dancers (well nt all of them sadly) since i havent seen them for like ages... almost since sem2's dance competition ended. Sandra, Everlyn and Jane. :) ALL WEAR black! wht is it with black and nights out!? Then suddenly i looked back and saw this china doll cutesy- Miss LuLu in her knee high socks and mini short skirt. Went over and BAM saw abigail next to her. So pulled both of them to the front (i never knew u cud do something like that, they coerced me into it.. its okay right? sry, nt a frequent clubber,dont knw much)

Then half way through queuing et Crystal (DA QUEEN) with her sis who just came down from fullerton after champange (i also want) maddness right.. wht are the chances of meeting the queen of clubbing at butter fact with me around. Okay i was refering to the clause of "me around". :D

Then...i met.. PHEBE BAY!!!!! with that pretty blur look like she doesnt knw where to stand :(

Then... abi and lulu and serena met their friends
who were going... so

We just replaced them in their queue IN FRONT! lol and then jane pulled crystal and crystal and some 20 + friends tried slidin in with us too.

Seriously unethical, bt its interesting to learn, everything's pretty much about relations and since they knw someone that was working inside too.. lol

So tada we're in. Well it wasnt as breath taking as the old butter fact but it was big enough. And maybe it was also becos when we went in, the dancefloor was. empty. LOL.

And i was also wondering, why were all the guys so nice 0_0. They not like that in anywhere else than singapore leh. wht the dots...

Im generally hostile to the opposite sex, u can ask sandra and jane. doesnt work with me k.

Oh yeah then inside i met Rachelle like TWICE! and then her friend whom i recognized from NBS foc,Desmond. Cool cool rite?

Anyway im having muscle ache nw for working out too much last nite. Good feel, havent danced in ages. And ooo i so love the sea view.

It was great i ran into abi too.. lol.. cabbing was much less painful. LOL.

Sigh. great night.
I thought i couldnt trust myself, but it turned out that im sturdier than expected.
I have to account to my Scandinavian boyfriend

HAHA *kisses*

2009-06-10T17:18:00.002+08:00

Tonight,

I'm getting my memory replaced for the first time

I'll have a second dosage if required

Let's pop a champange and Celebrate!

Good riddance :)

specifically random post about joy at 1.35pm on 9th june 2009

2009-06-09T13:31:00.002+08:00

Here's a few new facts

I'm stressed excited pumped deliberating about the blogshop

Do visit it at http://rosepatch.livejournal.com

i am hungry nw bt mummy doesnt want to go eat because she's still uploading videos onto facebook

im hungry still

this blog cannot be relied upon to explain my state of being
I usually write when im emo,
so with regards to the frequency thus far
im largely happy

im excited for bible camp

im wondering hw late i should stay out tmrw nite *smirk*

when in the world am i going to meet nad and jocelyn again. Supposed to be this week leh!!

I need to dance again, miss it tremendously. like ALOT!

i miss dancing

i need to release the energy, release the fats! lol.. i feel my arteries are clogging

Out from Under

2009-06-08T01:26:00.001+08:00

Breathe you out
Breathe you in
You keep coming back to tell me
you’re the one who could have been
and my eyes see it all so clear
It was long ago and far away but it never disappears
I try to put it in the past
Hold on to myself and don’t look back

I don’t wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without
When I’m out from under
I don’t wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I’ll get it all figured out
When I’m out from under

So let me go
Just let me fly away
Let me feel the space between us growing deeper
And much darker every day
Watch me now and I’ll be someone new
My heart will be unbroken
It will open up for everyone but you
Even when I cross the line
It's like a lie I’ve told a thousand times
I don’t wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without
When I’m out from under

I don’t wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I’ll get it all figured out
When I’m out from under

And part of me still believes
When you say you’re gonna stick around
And part of me still believes
We can find a way to work it out
But I know that we tried everything we could try
So let's just say goodbye
Forever

I don’t wanna dream about
All the things that never were
Maybe I can live without
When I’m out from under
I don’t wanna feel the pain
What good would it do me now
I’ll get it all figured out
When I’m out from under

nice song by Britney S.

2009-06-02T18:02:00.002+08:00

What's with the onslaught of disturbing dreams?
Not that they're creepy or anything... they feel too real

I had a dream before
I feared would come true
And it did

Will this come true too
Does it show what my heart?
Or is it just some random dream
my brain conjured

It feels weird
Really weird nw

2009-05-27T23:38:00.002+08:00

The pounding beats, the piercing lights
Beauty, lavish beauty
Come child, come dance with me
Under the moonlight, bracing
Come child, come sit with me
In the shadows, kissing

What I see is fleeting
What I feel is fleeting
The freedom, the joy, the risk
Racing hearts, soft smooth skins
Like the gentle wind, caressing

I cannot fall in love, my World
Not with you I cant
I lost a friend, a cherished
to this, this hypocracy

You claim the lives of many
Destroyed their hearts
Killed their souls
A thief, a liar, a murderer
Oh world, beautiful yet foul

Yet the sound, the bodies call
Into the night they howl
I cover my ears, I shut my eyes
Dreams still come,
haunted

2009-05-21T16:31:00.000+08:00

if he cant commit to the perfect God...

i cant expect him to commit to the imperfect me

because He lives

2009-05-21T01:18:00.001+08:00

And because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
And because I know
I know He holds the future
Then life is worth the living
Just because He lives

2009-05-16T14:40:00.000+08:00

two by two

twice in a row

hurt x 2 also

2009-05-05T00:07:00.000+08:00

lots to do this holiday:)

I love being tired...
because of staying up late reading a book, staying out late cos i was out having fun and watching X men...

woots'

I am lovin this life right nw

2009-04-26T21:56:00.001+08:00

Today, i realized i missed you most on sunday evenings.

Saturday afternoons.

Friday evening

And i also realized

I can't smell your hair anymore.

Desert Song

2009-04-13T02:51:00.000+08:00

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoiceI will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoiceI will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

:) I will bring praise still

Psalms 139

2009-04-12T15:35:00.002+08:00

A long time ago, i ever wondered...
why does everyone seem to get some prophetic word about what their life will be
wht they will face in life
why God lets them know, but not me?

Is it becuase, i wont live out to be as great for God as i prayed to be? is it because God didnt plan for me, so i'll just turn out to be some young girl, become someone's wife, die as someone's mother? is there nothing waiting for me to achieve? Is my life gonna be plain boring.

So about a few years later and tada and im 20! wow.
It's been a spectacular ride, alot of pain alot of crazy crap happened to me... but but... it was awesome.

I just thot about it again, why God didnt tell me i was going to go through all this crap and pain, and then i think God kinda told me the answer.

YOu know, when Jesus came to the earth, He knew the crap he had to go through, the pain of dying on the cross, the mockery, having his closest disciples abandon him and all... He knew it.. bt He still went ahead with it.

You see, if only i was as strong as Jesus... ive not reached there then, that level of strength to willingly go thorug all this crap... tho it was neccessary.. for my growth and what else not i havent discovered.
I knw that what ive gone through is important in ways i may not even understand. But had God told me then and there, i wouldve bargained for lesser pain, bargained not to even go through it at all... i know i wouldve.

Im not forgotten by God. He has a plan for me, and I will work hard to get where He has set for me to go. From the moment i was formed in my mother's womb, He already knew me and He already wrote about what my life will be like. He was with me from the beginning and will be till the very end. He watched me take my first step, knowing one day these two feet will be jumping for joy because of him. He watched me speak my first word, and perform my first song "twinkle twinkle little star" on the coffee table at my grandma's place, knowing this voice will one day declare his name and sing his praises. He watched me go through the tough seasons of my life, knowing one day I'll use it to strengthen another.

When i woke up, He's with me.
When i grogily walk to the washroom and brush my teeth, He's with me.
When i go to school, He's with me.
When i walk to classes, He's with me.
When i'm having lunch and dinner and having classes with my friends, He's with me.
When i'm stressing out and mugging and trying to memorise so much information, He's with me.
When i surf the net and typing my blog, He's with me.
When i lay in bed, crying, squealing, giggling, He's with me.
When i'm falling asleep, He's with me.

Ive never felt the closeness of God so real. I can almost feel Him.
He was always there, I just never knew, or maybe i never bothered.

Bt now I know, and I will rejoice!
:D

2009-04-12T00:15:00.002+08:00

What is lost
will be found again

In a different way

I think i'll be happy again
I already am
:)

2009-04-07T01:29:00.001+08:00

renewed

I think its home...

but mostly cos i've got my daddy God :)

2009-04-06T14:18:00.002+08:00

when you pray

"break my heart for what breaks yours
everything i am for your kingdom's cause"

man... you have no idea what you're asking for.

But i'd rather be in a place of brokeness, than high in the sky

so im hidden the shadow of the almighty God. so so so close

lovin the pain

a circle that never ends

2009-04-04T04:42:00.000+08:00

One moment you feel like the luckiest girl in this world,
In a second, you feel you'd never feel as happy again

One moment you want to hurt and hate someone
In a second, you realize you cant cos you love

One moment you're being all sarcastic and snide
In a second, you find yourself begging for forgiveness

One moment you seem to be best friends forever,
In a second, you see their back against you

One moment you think you know you can deal with it
In a second, you're crying, breathless

It feels like it's not going to end
It feels like it's just going to get bad
It feels like it's moving all wrong

It feels, I'm making all the wrong steps

i act and think,in two different ways
i think and pray in two different ways
i pray and hope in two different ways
i hope and see it in two different way

2009-04-02T11:21:00.004+08:00

I felt His eyes on me today when i woke up. I felt Him calling me.

When i left for school, He was still watching over me. The bus came in 1 min of my arrival.

During the test, He was still watching me.

I felt sick (still am) and He's walking beside me.

I came back for medicine, He walked with me.

The bus left when I was walking down the hill... i sighed knowing the next would about in 15 minutes. He still walked with me.

I reached the bus stop and dazed. I felt sicker by the second my my throat swells. The bus came in 1 min of my arrival.

That's fast.

He sat with me on the bus back to hall, and walked me to my room.

He's right next to me. Always with me.

Never leaves me.

I love Him. I love you Jesus :)

Note to self: How to know when u're in love with Jesus. You lie in bed tho tired, you cant really sleep. YOu feel this peace in your heart and you knw that you're just dwelling in God's love. Dwelling and you dont want to let that feeling go.

2009-04-02T00:41:00.002+08:00

Let the weak say "I am strong"
Let the poor say "I am rich"
Let the blind say "I can see"
That's what the Lord has done in me

Thank you God for my good grades today. 16/20 for accounting and 80% for IT. Thank God. never got such good grades in NTU before.

Its really hard, and even harder that its now my exams. But you are with me, and you'll always be. I want to grow from strength to strength in You.

I'm realyl praying for a miracle, I'm really praying for your grace. It seems an impossible mountain before me to climb, but its just an opportunity for a miracle to happen.

Having faith. Building. Unstoppable.

MAKE TROUBLE!

2009-03-30T22:11:00.002+08:00

Judges 16:28 " Then Samson called to the Lord saying, " O Lord God, remember me, I pray! Strengthen me, I pray, just this once, O God, that I may with one blow take vengence on the Philistines for my two eyes!"

Samson judged Israel 20 years. That's where i am no... at my 20th year. Already with battle bruises, pains and much hurt. But that's my prayer. That by the END of my 20th year I want to hurt the devil MORE than the past 20 years i've ever done for the pain that he put me through.

Samson did the same! He killed at his death more than he had killed in his life! (Judges 16:30) ONE SUPER BIG BANG BLOW!

God grant me that strength once more, grant me that faith once more! I've run far but now I am back and I'll make more trouble for satan than before.

I'll be a super trouble causer. Devil, you watch out! For my KING is the MOST HIGH God, and with all my heart and soul and mind I believe, HE is with me.

Loud fest '09

2009-03-22T01:28:00.002+08:00

I knew I came for the wrong reasons. I know if not for that reason, I wouldnt be there, I wouldnt have trudged myself down after a horrendous week in school. I thought everything around me was nothing, small, insignificant. I despised the work, and God showed me, from the least I expect, He did greatness and wonders...what more would happen for things I go to with great expecatations of God.

Thank you God, for not giving up on me.

20 is when life begins. I never realized the significance of it until this week. the past 20 years of my life, I had dreams, I had visions. But nw im 20, im given more freedom, more choices, more opportunities, more resources. Yet it isn't all good either.

I stepped out from being 19 and saw myself at the beginning of this long road, and at the end was the dreams and visions I had there... but along the way there was so much more distractions, so much more pain than I ever imagined bearable. Better yet, it feels more lonely than ever. Ive never felt the pressure to be so set apart from this earth, from the world's people until now.

I'm pressed with so much stress, so many responsibilities, so many many things, I was crushed... in fact im crushed and still broken now... I cant explain the pain. It hurts more than I ever thought.

He asked me, "You said you'd give your life and your all for me. Will you give me your most precious, your most beloved, you everything. Will you really surrender all for me?"

When I was in JC, I remembered studying the passage Genesis 22, about Abraham willingly sacrificing his son when God asked. I remebered I told everyone, "just give it up, what so difficult, it isnt as if we cant live without it. I could give up internet, no problem, i could give up even life itself." Sacrifice, becomes so real, only when it holds so dear to your heart. How could i compare my consistnecy on the net with Abraham sacrificng his son... I had no idea.. until this week. God seemingly stood in my face and asked me if i'd willingly give up, and let him take control of me again. Let him have the steering wheel.

Take over me, take over me

Im tired of driving, or controlling my own life. For refusing to let go... It hurts, like mad. The request itself felt so overwhelming, the sorrow clouded my head for a whole day. My mind could not stop spinning. I found myself wirthing in pain every second.

And when I told GOd i would... it still hurt. Even breathing itself felt like an inch closer to death. Everytime i took a breath, more tears would flow. I tried to hide my pain, but it was uncontainable. I was desperate, desperate for God.

I saw that I had neglected my first love. I saw the times when I hurt him when i chose to turn a deaf ear. And now i really needed him. Part of me thought He wouldnt give me a good second chance again. But i knew somewhere inside, I just had to find...

I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and its all about You, its all about You Jesus.

I'm not alone. Jesus has always been walking with me, and now at my weakest point, when Im so crushed and in pain, I felt Him lift me up.

He's carrying me in His arms, walking down the road of life. When even sitting up this morning felt so much pain, i just wanted to cry, I felt God pick me up by my arms telling me that he would not let his daughter suffer in pain alone. That the love of many may fail around me, but His would not. His love never fails.

And then, he took my crushed and broken heart, and gave me a new and whole heart. A heart for Him only, a heart that beats for Him.

My everything is yours now, and no part of me shall I withold from You. Nothing. I hold on to your promises. Your are the Lord Jehovah Jireh my provider. That from this sacrifice I am now willing to give to you, you'd multiply and bless, life you did for Abraham. You are the King of my life. You are the great big God, in whom i can trust, in whom i find my strength. The joy of the Lord shall be my strength. Thank you for not giving up on me, thank you for this exeperience. I dont regret anything, not the pain and definitely not the comfort. Thank you Lord, I am now one step closer in understanding your heart, in understanding your love.

Jesus, loves me. This I know.

Lucky or more than just it

2008-11-22T03:41:00.002+08:00

Do you hear me,I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my,
baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don't know how long it takesWaiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

You

2008-10-15T16:53:00.002+08:00

What can wash away my sins?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

Oh! precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Nothing but the blood of Jesus

How can I not give you praise for thing things You've done for me?

2008-08-30T23:13:00.002+08:00

it isnt easy trying to explain why it isnt easy living like this, why it isnt easy trying to be here where i am why i cant do what i want why i never did really found anyone.

it isnt easy at all, really, knowing that you need to be involved, making you soak in this crazy crap. it isnt easy seeing you struggle in this.

it isnt easy trying to love myself when i actually dont, it just isnt easy and im learning to rough it out. It just isnt easy.

I dont need you to understand, i just want you to know what u're in for.

if you're not game... well then...

2008-07-23T01:10:00.002+08:00

nbs camp. AWESOME. WOOTS.

crusade camp. pending.

hall camp. pending.

Current energy status: Normal. Recovered.

High-ness: Low

Expectation: Low

Current Movement: Last minute packing. bleh.

2008-07-22T11:03:00.002+08:00

This is ridiculous.

Utterly perposterous.

If you're completely sexist, thinking that both men and women should live in their own seperate worlds and should only meeet for mating. Then that's fine.

Just dont impose your belief. It's repulsive.

Error

2008-07-13T00:54:00.003+08:00

To err is human, to forgive is divine.

When I was young, I knew mistakes involved consequences.

As I grew, I found out, mistakes/errors/wrong decisions... would have consequences that would affect others. Especially the ones dearest to you, who in actual fact do not deserve to suffer such pain, who in actual fact had no involvement in it.

And their only involvement in it was that, they loved you.

Because they love you, it hurts... and often far more than you thought it would.

Like when adam and eve sinned against God, the curse didn't stop in one generation, it affected their children and subsequently the whole earth.

But it hurt God more, because He loved us.

It hurt even more because He sent His only son to die for us.

I now understand the depth of my mistake, the depth of my sin. And to forgive, is really divine.

s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d

2008-07-04T23:31:00.001+08:00

i am feeling. Stressed.

It's so foreign. It's been forever since I felt this way.

And school hasnt even started. I'm just feeling.. so weak like i cannot do anything. Like I'm just going to sit here and let all the "crap" fall on me.

I need to find God. I need to talk to Him, I need to find my strength in Him.

No excuses. I'm going to find Him now.

:D

2008-07-04T02:15:00.002+08:00

Now sitting on my bed, typing. Typing what.. I havent actually planned...but yeh.. just typing and thinking at the same time.

What has happened the past 6 months.

I've learnt alot, seen alot, though i never intended any of them to happen, and it all happened when nothing happened. Strange isnt it. That day I just blew 100 bucks on shopping when i didnt even intend to go shopping. Just because i needed to fill the day i called evan out just to walk walk.. then KABOOM.. shopping.. then gone. Tim was totally laughing at me. bleah.

I learnt that... not all friends you make in life will last forever, it always comes down to a few. A handful. And I thank God for each and everyone of them. Especially a special one or two that always talked to me over the phone and gave me godly advice (so i wont jump off the hdb flat.. okae.. jk jk.. but u get my rift).

I really hope the friendship never ends. I hope it'll only grow stronger.

And I'll just keep thanking God for you all. My angels, sent by God...

To speak
To teach
To admonish
To love
To care
To joke
To hug
To cry
To walk
To run

To be there for each other.

Uni's going to start soon. i hope I dont lose you all again. You all have been the only people i've been talking to and I hope i don't forget what you've taught me and all the extra tears we've cried together.

Pull me back. If i ever forget, if i ever lose time for you all. Some people like you guys are worth letting go the rest of the world.

Seriously.

Man, thank you jesus.

Shalalala.

I love you Jesus.

2008-06-18T12:52:00.001+08:00

Of recent,

Although I have been much free-er as compared to last year

My blog... is dead
My friendster acct... is dead
My facebook acct... is dead
My neopets acct (HAHAHA)... is dead

woots!

I am officially cut off from the internet world.

2008-05-27T10:05:00.002+08:00

Dear Daddy God

There's so much i wana do for you. So much i feel i need to do. To repay your love for me...

Cos i am awestruck. I am am grateful, thankful. I love you.

I wana do so much. You think i can?

Psalm 40

2008-05-22T09:58:00.002+08:00

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.

2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is that man who makes the LORD his trust,
And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
5 Many, O LORD my God, are Your wonderful works
Which You have done;
And Your thoughts toward us
Cannot be recounted to You in order;
If I would declare and speak of them,
They are more than can be numbered.

6 Sacrifice and offering You did not desire;
My ears You have opened.
Burnt offering and sin offering You did not require.
7 Then I said, “Behold, I come;
In the scroll of the book it is written of me.
8 I delight to do Your will, O my God,
And Your law is within my heart.”

9 I have proclaimed the good news of righteousness
In the great assembly;
Indeed, I do not restrain my lips,
O LORD, You Yourself know.
10 I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have declared Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth
From the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold Your tender mercies from me, O LORD;
Let Your lovingkindness and Your truth continually preserve me.
12 For innumerable evils have surrounded me;
My iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to look up;
They are more than the hairs of my head;
Therefore my heart fails me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to deliver me;
O LORD, make haste to help me!
14 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who seek to destroy my life;
Let them be driven backward and brought to dishonor
Who wish me evil.
15 Let them be confounded because of their shame,
Who say to me, “Aha, aha!”

16 Let all those who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
Let such as love Your salvation say continually,
“The LORD be magnified!”

17 But I am poor and needy;
Yet the LORD thinks upon me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
Do not delay, O my God.

I can't do without You. There's so much uncertainty, I fear so many things, even myself.

You hear my prayers, you heard my cry. You sent help in times of trouble and gave me strength when I was weak.

You are my provider, my salvation, my righteousness, my rock, my healer, my joy, my best friend.

I just wana love you, all the days of my life.

Which one of U?

2008-05-14T10:34:00.001+08:00

NTU- Business
NUS- Business (discretionary)
SMU- Economics

Which one?

2008-05-09T13:52:00.002+08:00

Jesus, beautiful saviour
God of all majesty
Risen King
Lamb of God
Holy and righteous
Blessed redeemer
Saviour and friend

All the heavens shout your praise
All creation rise to worship you

How wonderful
How beautiful
Name above every name
Exalted high

How wonderful
How beautiful
Jesus your name
Name above every name, Jesus

I'm in pain... Though i'm not sure if it's good or bad. My mind hasn't come to terms with what i have done. It's only been a few days since i lost my crutches.

Waking up in the morning, it's as if nothing has changed. But then seconds later, I realize, nothing's the same, I begin to feel the pain, surging from my legs. And i'm paralyzed.

I try to keep distracted. I try to lift myself from bed, from that moment of pure bliss and nothingness. But, i can't do it with my own strength. So God, picks me up, gently, every morning. Gives me a hug, and i finally have the courage to open my eyes. Dry.

I'm learning to walk again, without the crutches i so depend on. The crutches that caused me pain when i walk.. one step, one stab.

It's hard and i feel like giving up and finding my crutches back again. I feel like collapsing to the ground and whine and make a fuss. Crawl on the floor and find my crutches again...

But, if i never leave my crutches, i'll never walk without pain, i'll never jump, i'll never run, i'll never dance.. like i used to. I need to let go... and begin to walk without them.

It hurts like crazy, it's tiring, it's uncomfortable, it's unusual. You feel like crying.. so much... and you keep crying.

Keep crying until the pain's no longer there. And then you'll find at the far end of the road... the pain's no longer there.

And you can dance again.

Tim89

2008-04-14T14:46:00.003+08:00

So much has happened over the years. From the time we met, till the time we split. And now, even more has happened over the past one week or so. We're back together, each one of us. And nothing else really matters. I have you all now, and i'm missing everyone.

So much has happened, i can't pen it down now, it would be unjust to what God has done. It was amazing, spectacular, refreshing and powerful. It's going to happen and i know it will.

There is more, coming. Just wait and see.

I love you Tim89.

Forever- Hillsong United

I worship at your throne

Whisper my own love song

With all my heart I'll sing

For you my Dad and King

I'll live for all my days

To put a smile on your face

And when we finally meet

It will be for eternity

And Oh, How wide you open up your arms

When I need your love

How far you would come

If ever i was lost

You said that all you feel for me

Is undying love that you showed me through the cross

I'll worship you my God

I love you

Forever i will sing

Forever I will be with you

I'll be with you.

whee

2008-04-09T09:40:00.002+08:00

MY LIFE IS BACK! (for how long i am not sure)

It's just exciting and exhilarating when... when.. your entire week is fixed with appointments, people to go out with, things to do.... new and adventurous stuff... like like...

I won't reveal it yet. U'll have to wait till you see me =p.

I am just so happy.

end of blog post... cos i am just too happy to type anything. HAHA!

p.s. We're having fire drill today in the office... i wonder if they're gona make us stand in lines under the hot sun to take attendance...

BLAH

2008-04-01T09:27:00.002+08:00

University application has been such a cantankerous chore.

I have never applied for something which killed so many brain cells, cause me to panic, hyperventilate, lose sleep over, get stressed over so much, ever!

Thank goodness i've got school documents in a file.

But the fact that i can apply to a uni, i should be grateful...

STILL.. i want to complain.. but i'm going to stop here.

Cos the worst has just begun...

STILL... i hope life is going to be way more exciting than it is now.

After uni, it's back to boring life again.. is it?

Bleah... i wish there's something that could excite me! like now.

2008-03-20T12:21:00.001+08:00

i wish i had a crystal ball

So i can see what you're doing
what you're thinking

24 hours and less

2008-03-06T16:20:00.002+08:00

don't know lwh
don't feel worried or anything. rather neutral.

Like every passing day. comes and goes. Eventuality. hai

Maybe because i've given up hope. or maybe because i cannot care less. or maybe becuase i feel that nothing really determines your life unless you let it.

Okae. so here i am at work today like any other day at work. No one said anything about results. Nothing has been injected in my blood. I think it'll come tmrw when i see all my schoolmates. They're the ones that make me feel anxious and turn me into a nervous wreck. bleah.

But i am really curious what i'd feel like 24 hours from now. elation (like in PSLE), neutral both happy and sad (like Os) or devastation (hasnt come). Does the pattern show. hope not. Devastation seems like the possible choice. Though i'd rather not experience it.

But from there, life goes on, doesnt it.
Life goes on.
Whether we like it or not.

For the very first time, i'm actually feeling, nothing. And for the very first time, i don't feel like i'm depending on GOd. Just strange. It used to be a natura; process to depend on him and trust in him, but i seemed to have reached the stage where... where... i don't know. nothing matters anymore.

Is this what you call as numbness. Maybe i need to do badly to feel my nerves again. Doing exceedingly well wouldd make me feel my nerves too. I think i need to feel something cos i'm not feeling anything.

Why am i not feeling anything?

I want to ask God to help me, but i dont know why i should. Can anything change, still? The results are set and confirmed, ready for delivery the next morning and by about 8 or 10 the teachers would have known. By 2 we'd all be in the hall congratulating the straight A students (doesnt help that my class is number 414..like die one die) fat chance i'm going up there. By 3 i'll start receiving weird calls from people i dont usually talk to. By 3.30 i'll open my result slip. by 4 i'll receive many more smses and phone calls. then. i don't know what might happened.

Knocked down by a car.
Scream until i cause a vein to rupture.
Cry until i feel my ribs closing in and suffocating me.
Comforting someone else?

Friends, i need you all to be by me when i get it.
My dear MJ friends. I dont know who else to rely on.
Other.. please grant be sanctuary for at least a day.

Please dont ask mme about my results.

God, i am feeling the panick now.

Women

2008-03-06T10:34:00.003+08:00

Cuddle me in your arms

I had always known
How violent you were
The way you wrenched my wrist in your palm
Hit me when i refused to listen

I had always known
The monster in you
It hurts, at times
But i was never in fear

Cos, i thought you would change
For me
Because you loved me
Don't you, darling?

They say love can change everything
This violence will end
I will persist, hold on
I promised to be there, for you

Shelter me from the rain

Our children,
Or should i say mine.
I lived till this day, to have gone this far
Regret or shame

It just got worse
You'd hit me, within the eyes of others
Our kids were watching
Everyone on the road was watching

My neck, it hurts from the tugging
I want it to snap
Now
Now

But, I can't leave you
The kids need their father
I'll take all the pain
Just promise me, you won't..hurt them

You won't, you're their father

Sing me the sweet melody

I was born a slave
To this world
Always an object
For you to touch and do, whatever

But, No!
Don't you dare, you bastard!
Not for my children, not for them
They will live

Even now, on the bed
I find it hard to breathe
I'd fight for them, i swear
It was my mistake,

I, stupid
I, foolish
I...I can't believe i did it

Take them away
Let me... i. can't. breathe.
I've learnt from this brutality
My love was a mistake, i chose to keep

Let me, die in peace

No, that's not me. I just chose to write this, cos i began to immerse myself in such a character suffering from violence. But this poem only speaks of one kind, one type. THough stupid she may be, i would still feel sympathy for her. Love afterall, can be rather blind. I cannot stand men exacting violence on females.

It's disgusting, putrid and absolutely horrendous. Exactly when did such a patrical mindset got itself indoctrinated into these beastly creatures- men. It doesnt mean because we wear mini-skirts, v-neck shirts or whatever hell it is on us means we're inviting you to rape us. Stupid men. MCPs, get a hold of yourselves.

Doesnt something known as "self control" exsist? If everything is women's fault, then doesnt it goes to show that women can actually think, and be more HUMAN like than men can.. cos all they work by is their sense-less instincts! Ass****s!

Anyway, girls in pinafores "get it" from men too. Gee!

Don't get me wrong, i'm not a full out feminist, and have nothing against normal men that know how to excuse themselves and look away if anything sexual disturbs them. I completely respect such men, they actually deserve the word "men" cos they behave like mature adults, not violence, no unneccessary vulgarities (don't say i am too strict), civilised men.

I am so glad that i live in a non-patrical society, although social stigma remains eg. glass celing and male and female taking up their traditional roles in a family. See, this sorta things i have no problem with. Because 1. It does not cause and danger or restriction of freedom (ie shopping.. fine i'm rather shallow on this aspect). 2. It does not involve any physical pain or whatever... maybe emotional, but not till the point of death and ultra fear.

Rules were meant to govern, so unneccesary violence and chaos would not surface in society. But OBVIOUSLY, men in the EXTREMIST patriacal society have taken things, WAY off context. It really gets me fired up and highly bothered when i read about girls getting harrased and have their clothes torn apart in public because they were supposedly revealing too much skin. So make her reveal more?

Stupid reply from the people that did it, "IF you are wearing a miniskirt, you give the impression you want to be raped. YOu respect yourself when you wear a longer skirt. We respect women who respect themselves."

Bull****. Kiss my a**.

1. Women have rights. So are you telling me if you walk around with that disgusting buldge in your pants you want to be castrated (I'm trying very hard to be as discreet as i can)

2. You totally didnt mean what u say about girls in longer skirts. (The report later revealed that wearing that or not didnt matter cos the rape cases would mount up to a million plus a year. To put it simply, if the ladies in that country know how stupidly viscious the men there are, they wont be so stupid to be caught wearing as revealing so much skin, therefore a million girls does not equal to a million girls wearing mini-s"

FYI. Their miniskirts look more like A-line skirts. Probably 4 times longer than the ultra mini-s you find here.

It was so distrubing to learn a few years back about girls getting stoned because they spoke to an unrelated guy. And that you-tube saga (they always have these kinda things around) of this 17 year old getting stoned because she changed her religion. Ok, so i totally agree that we have free-will to choose but not the consequence. But no one has the right to evict consequence (although with the exception of the law),, especially not common folk who don't even know that there are countries outside their own.

Outraged.

I feel like evicting equal violence on such men. URGH. But i won't. That will make me no different from them.

*Disclaimer: This is a momentary feeling becuase i read some articles concerning feminine violence. If you're an MCP and would like to voice you Male Chauvinistic views, please do it elsewhere. I have no intention to spread the will of vulgarities here. If any were used, it was meant purely for a) artistic expression in the poetry. b) a sudden burst of emotions in the entry. Therefore i beseech your kind will to forgive me and let live.

Thank you for lasting this long, though i doubt anyone reads this blog anymore.

Server room with joy

2008-03-04T11:00:00.002+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "Server room with Joy".

Today we are going to talk about, well everything and anything. Now isnt that interesting. There will be no format to this episode, so yes, i shall speak my mind with all the randomness in this world. Whee

Blog-hopped and found that some of my friends are living the rather enjoyable and good life. Something they'ds probably rmb in a long time to come. I wonder where i am in this time line. THere's no particular significant event which will ever make me remember this period of my life. Okae, other than dance concert, nothing else actually. Everyday is just passing by, minutes by minutes, seconds by seconds.

I've never possible encountered just a waste of time in my life, ever. (Although it technically isnt cos i'm earning money still the same, to feed myself and attain my "desires")(i'm hungry now btw, craving for some... actually anything) So possibly when i become old one day and soo spunky grandkid goes "How did you spend your days when u were 19" I'd probably go...

"erm. OMG I CAN'T RMB" and then panick, get a stroke and die.

Cos all i'll possibly rmb would be this blank-blank time. And dark. Boom. nothing.

Oh well, at least i provided a way to kill me for all you joy-haters who wants to kill me so u'll be much happier (this sounds ttly ironic).

Mas Selamat. Hm. I wonder. what he's doing now. It's kinda interesting to put urself in someone else's shoes and wonder what they're doing while u're slacking you life away. Probably running for his life, hiding in some shelter, or on some taxi with an ignorant taxi driver. Or he's possibly dining in some grand hotel in batam (are there any there , this is a genuine question) to celebrate his "release".

Then, what is khadijah doing now? Maybe sitting in the staff room munching on some cookies or the canteen.. queing for...TUESDAY CHICKEN RICE.

Adele.. hmm.. sitting behind the counter looking out for Mas Selamat at T-3 (this is with the assumption that she's still working there)

Chris.. erm..snoozing in his bed.. since it's quite a rainy morning and the army has nothing much for him to do.

Joel... live grenades? or was that last week... NAH. He's probably marching.. i'd love to see him to that.. without twiching his fingers and understanding that "JUST WHACK LAH" isnt as easily done than said.

Oh well oh well..

life goes on, in much bordem. I dont think the J2s can understand cos they're slogging their lives away.. I still rmb reading some blog of a senior and not comprehending what she meant by "nothing to do" HOW CAN ANYONE HAVE GOT NOTHING TO DO.

Well.. tada.. here you have it.

It's the worst feeling on earth. Worse than fear, anxiousness, stress. Cos your brain is just rotting away into blankness and.. and...and... it's not occupied in any content. Fear and stress may be uncomfortable but for the very least, it is thinking .. actively. Possiblly that's why i'm so caught up with playing solitaire and othello nowadays. Should enter wei qia and english chess.

Was checking out the profiles of some friends. Some have grown exceedingly prettier (TELL ME HOW YOU DO IT), some have grown moodier (smile dude!), some have advanced to modelling, banking, fooding, shopping, crazing and some hae changed their names.. erm... NICOLE? since when did i knew one..oh a lloooonnnggg time ago.

Friendster and facebook's good for you to update urself bout what's going on in another person's life, but ironically, as much as u know, it's still very very impartial when it comes to meeting up and you're back to the same question of "so what have you been up to / how are you"

You know the person enough to talk, but at the same time too much to begin the exhilaration you once had when you first met. It's just weird. Like all i know about u if from your facebook/friendster or blog. Gee.

What is nadhirah and jocelyn doing now. dont even know if they're really working as relief teachers or something else.

I want to go taiwan with my cousins too... but but... i dont know if i can livve without the pay that i was supposed to get anyway... and i dont like takign so much leave. It's just this sense of righteousness that is so innate.

I still cannot pon school. I. just. can't. bring.myself. to. do. it.

HOW TO PON SCHOOL? dont u feel guilty? and what bout all those classes ur missing out.

HOW TO LIE THAT YOU HAVE STOMACHACE. THis is so. argh. what is wrong/too right with me?

Okae. nothing. I'm just me. i should live with it.

AH SOMEONE JUST ENTERED THE SERVER ROOM

-pretend nothing's happening-
-pretend nothing's happening-

*phew* she's gone.

SO yeah, life's pretty much come and goes and goes and comes.
i want to each matcha ice cream now.

hur.

MAybe i should have macs for lunch.

I dont think i'm growing in any sense now. SPiritually stuck.

Nothing, i dont seem to hear him anymore. It's just me, iprobably am not picking up his calls. i think he's mad at me. like really angry, that's why i dont talk to him anymore. we dont have that sorta relationship we used to have. Completely totally in love with him. Not anymore.

It's just me. The problem's me and i just dont want to face it. i can argue all i want to have more time, but that's not going to solve the problem. I just dont want to face it. In your face dont want to face it.

I just dont want to talk to God now. Not for a long while. I tried, but i was getting nothing out of it.

YOu see, i dont trust people on this issue anymore. THe more you try to tell me to talk to him and what and especially those that are getting hard on me about this issue, the more i think u're brainwashed. There doesnt seem to be much credibility in those that tell me to... yah. Doesnt seem to be much. The words that come out of your mouth are just the same words.

Don't u get it. I dont need to hear from you, i need to hear from God himself.

If he isnt speaking to me in something i can hear (i knw i'm behaving like a brat immature christian, but let me do this k. i am completely aware and not in a trance), i dont think i should.

Maybe i'm just waiting for that BAM, in my face kinda experinces. But for the least i know, that will ground me in Him, forever.

I need to get more basic clothes. I'm so into long sleeves now, and more comfy heels that are so damn pretty and so NOT charles and ketih. i so dont like that brand.

And i need to get out and wild with elyna, it's been donkey years since we've been out.. or rather never.. it's just weird cos yah... AIYA> she said 7 weeks later after SMU's done with their crap on her. Gosh it better be soon.

i wonder wwhat tze ying is doing now. my pre-school best friend. Somewhere in australia. I wonder if she still rmbs me. Cos i do.

Does anyone actually remembers me?

I have no idea, cos i feel like i'm disappearing into the background.

My perfect office

2008-03-03T14:28:00.003+08:00

When i walked in through that door, it was like dream come true.

A small room it sure was, but definitely not lacking in anything needed.

The room was divided into half by a chinese paper divider, with prints of butterflies and flowers. The first thing upon entering the office would be bean bag seats, of bright red, orange, green and blue surrounding a glass coffee table. THrough the glass, one can see fishes swimming inside, with beautiful corals and ever-changing lights of blue and green.

A small fridge would be found at one corner, filled with chilled juices and drinks, maybe a bottle of wine of business engagement or so. On top of it would be a basket of fresh black roses, which smell fills the room and comforts the soul. A box cabinet fixed into the wall next to the fridge would be stalled with drink glasses and snacks such as Kettles honey mustard, caramel corn chips, apple chips, pringels and various boxes of dark chocolate. Oh the enjoyment that awaits!

Next to the glass wall that shows the landscape of Singapore lies my desk, Big enough for a good desktop accompanied with a mike and webcam. Artistic it should be in lime green motifs on a black shell. The comfy leather chair backs my tired shoulders and arm, good to fall asleep in but.. wait...

Behind the room divider, therein lies a king koil queen size bed, equiped with silken bedsheet of dark red and white. Next to it lies a control to shut the windows and adjust the lights and temperature in the room. In addition, music and an LCD television will come along with this side of the room.

I can snuggle in and warm myself up, to the sounds of running water and crashing waves.

The pleasure and joy of working in such an environment is pure bliss...

In my perfect office.

Nothing but a

dream.

so anxious

2008-02-27T09:58:00.002+08:00

It's only one day away. It's tmrw.

I'm so excited, yet so anxious, afraid, fearful.

No, it's not the A level results (I'm pretty much on the verge of giving up on guessing and whatever "pleasure"that comes along with it). It's the dance concert. Tmrw.

Oh my goodness.

It's 2 and a half months down to ONE day, or rather 4 minutes and 6 seconds. And that's it. That's it. Pretty much the life of every artiste... You can perform it again, but nothing beats the debut. Nothing. The excitement that rushes through every vein, you feel like screaming.

Kinda like A levels...at a lesser yet more enjoyable degree. It just all comes down to that moment in your life. Though the dance (may not) be life determining like the As, it probably takes an equal space in my life.

The stage, like a second home where i can be something i'm not, to explore things that are out of the norm (and actually get appreciated for it, too many times have people given me the weird look when i do something strange, like lying down on the road).

We're no where close to perfect now, blocking's still messy, steps are still array. Time is ticking away. But i have faith in my "soul sistas". We've been together for 3 years, it shouldnt be that hard to feel each other, and bring em all into a world unimaginable. We can do it. i know we can.

It's so exciting yet so scary at the same time.

I'm not sure how the audience might response. Jusst dont throw bad stuff on stage. AHH. so freaky.

okae gotta continue working now.. and get my mind off freaking out...

MJ dancers are now at VT rehearsing already!! SO EARLY!!

ARGH.. SCARY CRAP!

ok chill chill...

DO THE WRITS!!!
(I am seriously panicking)

Breath

2008-02-21T16:43:00.003+08:00

I need to write. i need to write.
To pen my frustrations, my fury, my saddness, my thoughts.
Why the apathy of youth
Why the poverty of knowledge

Faces pass, time goes
My heart races with every letter
A form of memory
A form of life

The tears that cover my tracks
The hugs i bring to give
So unwanted and despised
So needed and embraced

I wonder whether these words go far
To places across the land
Across the seas
To a place where it may find a home to stay

The tragedy of life
Subtlely ironic, we think why
Does she deserve it
Does he crave it

Jealously, rage, confusion
Pain, disgust, convulsion
Bitterness, Lethargy, Stress
Brokeness, Nausea...Retardation?

The emptiness vaccums memories
Something lasting, essential
Inner thoughts, never exsistent
Rises from blue moon

Heart wrenching it is
when love not granted
Sunken it is
when dreams not fulfilled

Joy, doesnt fill this land
Past, it was
Future, unknown
Sadness, we embrace

I need to write
I need to write

i miss you (all)

2008-02-21T15:27:00.002+08:00

I miss my JC friends alot. Everything's different now.

Apart from the bordem and lonliness that surronds the room i'm in, there's at least a computer for me to look out into the world...

To realize even more, how far i am from all the friends i had. I miss you all and i wish u all back to me. It's like something that came and swept you all away... far far away. And now it's just awkward to talk. It's like i know you, but i dont know you enough to start a topic... at least common. It's just so difficult.

Since when did our hands break off, since when were you anymore less than a friend. But since then alot has happened, alot has changed. And now, i just dont know anymore. I wish i had more strength, more time and energy to keep all the friendship going.

Just wana let you know, if you feel the same way too... just know i'll try to remain the same the best i can, so i am of reach to you. I miss you all... terribly much.

To: All who were ever with me, spoken to me, cried with me, laughed with me, studied with me, played with me, lead with me, screamed with me, cheered with me, danced with me, sung with me, skipped with me, ate with me, drank with me, love and hate with me.

I love you guys and will remember you all forever and ever.

Non-dualism

2008-02-19T09:51:00.005+08:00

The year has barely begun, but i think i've learnt a lesson big enough that may quantify me as "never the same". One event, many lessons. Sometimes, being told is not enough to teach, but experiencing the gravity of pain it thereafter causes would be big enough to engrave in yourself to never commit such stupidity... and possibly cause a wave of change, to warn others, so that equal hurt would not be repeated in their lives.

We live in a non-dualist world, when much cannot be deemed as completely wrong and completely right. I do not want to sound heretical here, so i shall try to explain my point as clearly as i can (AND once again, you do not have to completely take side of what i say... i'll explain that later). Much of the bible clearly tells u what is right and what is wrong. Though some of it may complete undisputed truth (eg. Sexual Adultery is a sin), certain parts would be in "conflict" within(eg. Can women hold leadership positions in church) the bible or with our personal sense of opinions (eg. Murder is wrong, but is it punishable by death.. then what about defence?).

Then you learn that, the bible has to be read in the context of time, to whom it was written to, and application to modern world, what we can extract and what we cant. There are big words for such things, but let's not use it at the moment (Sry Cyrus). Therefore, in simplewords, the bible should not be read completely literally, nor completely metaphorically.

So now do u see the double-non-dualism (i'm not sure such a term exists) this book offers. As much as it is written in black and white, it's contents are not completely so. Adding on, there is no one way to read the bible, no one way to interpert it. And because i am not a bible scholar, neither have i read the bible fully nor studied it to the highest level, I take in everything i hear, i read, i see... like cookie monster. (i'm not blue, btw) Without knowing and having properly experienced that there is always more than one side to one point of view... or another.

I pray for more discernment, and less naivity, not at the expense of purity. I felt really stupid, then when i found out, i have subjected myself to one way of thought, not questioning and grilling it, even though i was taught this skill since Secondary school and more so, it was at the expense of my personal life. Maybe because i did not want to appear rebellious, or maybe i was just not confident enough to prepare my "case". I dont exactly know how many of you are this way too, but just to share, i only found out i was such when i realized i was the victim. Oh well.

Disclaimer: This entry is not to condemn, neither is it there for people to speculate and make judgement of people in this case. It is more so to inform and teach, so that none will fall to become a victim again. And also for theraputical reasons.There so, the people invovled in this will not be named, neither will i comment on y furthur queries on this entry. (i feel like saying Amen at this point)

I have recently released a piece of information about myself to a particular someone, under the bidding of "obedience" and "accountability". Either to my own foolishness or whatsoever, despite warning from people, despite having detected it once, my trust was breeched. As a result, i have been used against and pressured under the release of this information to people i did not intend to let known. Felt hurt? of course.. Cried? of course.. And for a period of time, i thought that it was actually okae for the information to be realeased to the supposed "others". Until, another opinion of higher authority reached me. For a moment there i felt like a fool. Cos i thought i trusted them. For a moment i was stunned. Cos i never thought it would happen to me. Having heard various cases, i thought i was prepared enough. For a moment i felt alone. Cos i realized, there's really no one i can trust on this world anymore. It was like floods of memories spinning and replaying over and over again. scenes of hurt replaying over and over again. It's not as easy to do what they say, to forget.

I do not want to hate, nor do i want to bear grudge. I'm just grateful it happened to be at a lighter scale. My intentions were right, but the outcome was wrong. I do not blame, nor do i want to send a the wrong message. Maybe things could have been different if the other was taught and toldd that secrets as such should not be so blatantly shared like some tabloid. Maybe things could have been different if i had been wise enough to discern what information can be shared and what not. There are boundaries, as i was told. What it encompasses. There are different people, different situation that what was told can be applied. Apparently, what i was told, should not be applied, on me at least. Not at this stage, not at this time.

Though i am a victim of info-mishandling, i'm glad God allowed it to happen to me. it showed me not only who i can really trust, God alone. It showed me how important it was to listen to the Holy Spirit, when i read the bible and when before i execute my actions. And most importantly, it doesnt mean that every spiritual text apart from the bible, spoken, done, written is perfectly true.

There's something known as non-dualism. Only through experience and more than one point of view, can u conclude your stand,your take and your choice. Your life should only be held captive, in your own hands and God.

Life in the server room

2008-02-15T10:17:00.003+08:00

In the freezing cold room, typing endless names and file references, it just seems hard to belief i ever had a more exciting life out there. Once, only just a while ago. And now it has all seemed to be just a figment of my imagination.

Though most or some Meridians may disagree with me, being in MJ were the best years of my life (yes it SUPERCEDES life in Anderson). Many things i will never forget, my S414A, Holy Rambutans, The dancers, Vega, Triton, Random friends, teachers... yada... Everything's just different now.

Everyone's beginning to lead their seperate lives, making new friends, moving on. Even if i meet up with some of them,somethings just arent the same anymore, lest we relief those years together in JC.

Still remembering my best valentine's day last year. THe school looked much like a garden.. almost everyone had AT LEAST one flower.. the hype of the on-coming 14th feb stayed in the air 1 or 2 weeks before. Angel mortal, aining baking cookies for ykw and receiving a flower too, hugs, gifts and a dinner to end the day at Pastamania. (To the cynical people that think V-day is too commercialise: Then u might as well not celebrate Christmas, Chinese New year, Hari Raya...etc. Live with it, prices hike whenever there's an occasion.. or not. Even walking on the street would make the drinks in 7-elevn hike to 2 dollars plus per bottle.)

Though much tears were shed last year due to stress, leadership displeasures and results...it's just part and parcel of life. I wouldnt have made it through without the wonderful people i've met in MJ. And i can only accredit that to God.

I'm glad i prayed this time round for God to place his will above mine of going to a better school. It would probably make me sorrowful, like what happened in secondary school. I'm just hoping the same would happen for the next school i'm about to enter.. putting His will ahead of mine.

Working now may be rather mundane and lonely (since i have an "office" to myself, which leaves me void to any human contact in the office... yet less stressful... i dont like the idea of people looking at me when i work), but at least it's something educaitonal and light.. relatively good pay and comfortable... Enough flexibility for me to participate in the inaugural mjc dance concert.

I miss dance terribly..mr zaki, ms wee, 4th and 5th batch. I cannot explain the joy and excitement that ran through my bones during the first vetting.. it was like.. back in school again. Dance is just a beautiful thing, a bodily expression of life... nothing makes me feel as liberated as dance. It possibly associated with my experience with the 4th batch dancers that made me feel as such. Though you could say we are the weakest of the lot (in terms of technique and what not...we could hardly choreograph a dance *though we DID this time round*), it is the tightest batch. Everyone was able to contribute, to love and to correct. Absolutely un-political.. all gentle and embracing. Ahh... i love the dancers... and the dance..

so to the dancers that are stressing out and working their butts off daily... treasure the remaining time u have. It just saddens me that it is all coming to an end, and back tomundane boring life after work (at least get to spend more time with bf), but i'll never ever forget this journey with the dancers. It was the best, will always remain the best and be the best i've ever taken.

Though i may long and dream about the past, i know for the very least i treasured those golden ages (yes, i know u're disagreeing with me now siauling). And for all that, whatever the future maybe, i love you MJC!

2008-02-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

For the first time in almost my entire life... i wish to say

Will you all just leave me alone

Leave me alone

Enough.

Just leave me alone

leave

2008-02-01T00:17:00.000+08:00

if you have Do not WISH to be reminded of the A Level Results please REFRAIN from reading this post. If u do, it's at your own risk. Thank YOu.

I dont know why i am so worried. Worried about every thing. Ever since the start of this year, everything has been going by with me on my toes (no, i am not doing a pirouette). Worried about not being able to find a job, worried about the ministry, worried about the dance item and concert, worried about whether my boss might misunderstand me as slacking online when i'm actually just reaffirming certain statements with www.streetdirectory.com, worried about what to wear, what to eat, how much i can spend, worried about whether i have work to do the next day instead of just sitting there with nothing for the entire day and running the risk of getting fired... MOST OF ALL...

worried about WHEN my results will come and WHAT my results are.

Honestly when that's done, i think all the rest can just... just... be as they are. It is so annoying you know, the entire turmoil of people speculating when results will come out 11th feb, 15th feb, 22nd feb... yada yada. It is SO TORTURING. it's like people just come up to u, and WITHOUT asking permission just shoot off "RESULTS ARE COMING OUT _____" Okae lah, i understand the whole excitement about it... bt yeah...

I wish i can just dont think about it.... bt i just cant stop thinking about it. It's bad to think about it cos u either get depressed, or too hopeful that u become afraid that u're being complacent and over-confident and if the truth strikes that day that you dont do well (CHOY!), u just might not be able to take it.

It's worse than getting O level or PSLE results. Zhuang Mao says it's got something to do with...post something something pride...about becos u're over with it, it doesnt seem like a big deal.. To a certain extent, yeah that's true but let's consider this...

With ur JC teachers harping on u for the entire 1 year that ur A level just completely justifies the past 10 years of ur education (since the reason for u to study this far into A levels is to get into a UNIVERSITY).

I know not doing well for A levels is not the end, bt at the very moment u get it, u feel like its the end.

Or rather when u teacher receives the results, they know and will somehow, someway translate "the end" with their facial expressions. It has happened to me for the past few national exams... why are some teachers just like that... cant u just let me be happy TOGETHER with my friends, and CRY when all the others are CRYING together in the hall... i don want to CRY alone.. it just feels WORSE! okae.. so do i get my point across...

AND... i dont like strange people calling me when i get my results... STRANGE by the definition of.. you have absolutely NO IDEA what my favourite colour is nor what my HOBBY is nor what i am WEARING that day...so it can include relatives. It's just so INTRUSIVE. Therefore, i am going to off my phone that day either way. I will contact u voluntarily if i think there's a need for u to know, else, just leave me alone... whether i get good results or not.. cos the definition of "Good results" is completely SUBJECTIVE. so please dont impress your own definition on me, whether it being higher or lower. It's just insensitive. I am also going to stay out the entire day.

Overall, i wish that i get over and done with soon. and that's it. leave me alone. (i dont care whether u JUSTIFY in ur own OPINION that, THAT is ur way of being concern for me. Honestly, thanks bt no thanks.

i'm back.. for a while

2008-01-05T23:01:00.000+08:00

It's been ages.... since my last entry... but, what to do? so busy.

Been down with many interesting fruitful experiences since the end of As... so much that i had my first restless day last saturday..and it wasnt the completely restless kinda day.. it was just the half restless kind of day when u're allowed to wake up at 1pm but after that u'd still have stuff to do kinda thing. okae.. so where was i.

Just a QUICK update.

After the As i managed a quick outing with my jc mates and sec sch buddies (joce and nad), where on the very same day as the meet up i had to fly off to yunnan at 2 am in the morning. It was quite a dreadful first day considering the fact that we didnt have a good night's rest.

But either way, the trip was really enjoyable and so coincidentally the rest of the tour group (which consists of another family, cos my family';s so big it was about 75% of the entire group) happened to be long time holy rambutan Aaron's cousins and uncle aunty..so yah u get the point.

Never have i had alcohol for every meal.. not that i really liked it. I prefer water actually.

Anyway when i cam back, went straight to youth camp. completely enjoyable too.. and i ttly love the shirt this year. outbeats everything else. Had to leave one day early...cos

the next day was prom. I cant believe it's over.. it's like i've been waiting for this all my life.. and now, it's over. ARGH. it was so gorgeous... completely didnt regret spending the 85 bucks. Worth it.

the next day (yes, after prom), i came home at like 6.30 am (i was trying to save on overnight surcharge ok.. they made us wait for photos till 2 am), rested and prepared for the next day's mission trip...

To thailand... lots happened there that i feel i wouldnt do any justice to it if i just put it as a paragraph on my blog. BUt, anyway... 2 significant universally want to know things happened. 1. i ate insects. 2. i stuffed my orange socks (which i wore for 5 days) into someone's mouth... who leh? dont tell.. u ask me then i say lah.

so after that i had to come back (sadly...couldnt shop enough) and there came the blow of christmas events...services carolling dinner..enjoyable still the same =) i love christmas.. makes me feel christmasy.

New year's eve... was invited by colin to go to maybank to see fire works. YAY.dont need to squeeze with all the ants and sweat like crazy and strain my neck for a full fifteen min for the fireworks.. HAR HAR... totally enjoyed it.

And now, i'm busy with the dancers preparing for th eupcoming MJC's FIRST dance concert. PLEASE COME! okae.. come lah, u dont want then ur loss.. cos it's gonna be.. woohoo.. great.

28th FEB 2008, Thursday night (7pm.. i think)
VCH
TIX: $15, $18

so tell me if u can make it k.

Orientation seemed great... miss mj alot. :) had the best time of my life there.. yeh, better than sec sch...

So now.. i am feeling the pangs of the ADULT fare. ARGH. every TI! will heart pain.. TI! argh! TI! argh! TITITITITITIIIIIIIIII!

STOP IT. okae i'm losing myself.. get a grip of urself joy! So yes, i now need to work and have to quit bumming around though i reckon it is the BEST thing anyone can do now.

Honestly. DUDE! u're going to work for the REST OF UR LIFE. why start so early.

Oh yeh, adult fare and my parents refuse to sponsor me any more outings and expect me to start paying them back for whatever i've spent for the past 19 years of my life (yes i'm 19. i just had my birthday)

so great.

found a job. praise God. but it's at toa payo. Ah wahtever... i need the bucks.

So yep, till my next post. I love u very very much my dear friends (esp the really close ones.. u know who u are.. very very much (i added two more "very") )

Take care, God bless... i'm only a call away.. haha

bye.. so sad.

1st paper -- General Paper

2007-10-31T21:31:00.000+08:00

Oh my goodness.

I can't believe it's the A level papers!
IT IS HERE!
AFTER ALL THIS TIME!

OH MY GOODNESS

THAT PIECE OF A LEVEL PAPER IS IN FRONT OF ME

Oh MY goodness.

Just an update. This is officially my first exam which i ever, truly panicked.
OH MY GOODNESS.

the post trauma still lingers,

PRAY FOR ME PLEASE>
AHHH...
IT'S THE As!!! AHHH

1 more week

2007-10-24T00:04:00.000+08:00

The internet world seems so distant to me now. I wonder if i've finally managed to stepped into reality, or is it that reality is like... dead and lifeless mugging hellhole.

Okae... it isnt THAT bad, though it is tiring. I'm trying to enjoy this whole experience actualyl. Cos after this moment, i'll never be able to study this way, in school with my friends and teachers everywhere. Where all you got to do is memorise and memorise and everything else is pretty much spoonfed to you. So yes, i wont be able to study for a long time after this, so i'm going to study mug read write go crazy with my notes (for all you sec and pri sch students, there really isnt much use of a book, or text book in jc)

So yes, life has been the same day in day out, each day still filled with it's own peculiar difference, which makes it special from the other. Like today,the atrium was filled with a million birds (in the words of julian) at about 7 pm plus. quite interesting..see even birds want to come to school. Oh and consultation is pretty enjoyable too..

Just to update my friends out there, i'm doing myuch better than i was when i was writing the previous post. TO not case a panic break to any A level students out there that might be reading this blog entry and privy on other people's progree and get a nervous break down, i wont say much on my progress either. Dont want you to get into a fit, jic, if u are please close your eyes and count to 10. Well SPECIAL thanks to zhuang mao who has been helping me soooooo much with my math, i seriously dont know where i;d be without him. Weide siauling khadijah and julian for helping me in chem whenever i have a question (your chemistry is like - HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU GET THAT? kinda thing).

Here's a prayer list of things for the moment. quite stress about my better subjects actually. I thank God at the very least i'm good at something..but at the same time i;m worried and stressing that i'd do badly for them eventually. It really does freak me out. GP and geog... can be rather unpredictable.

As for chem and math, i hope i really made significant improvement.i can feel it but i hope the result slips will reflect that.

Econs, i need an A.cos chem and math dont seemto hit it.

I felt so much more prepared for Os (tho i wasnt completely prepared) than i am for the As. oh well, i should get back to work, and yeah. haha..

Much joyful than i was ages ago.
Much more in love with God than i was ages ago.
Just want to be filled by his peace and joy. Feel so much at ease.
Isnt it great we have a good God to rely on,that all the cares of the world grows small.

=)

p.s. Mr music juke box just let me listen to some good music. Check out leelan, real good. Till then , signing out! =)

i am in serious trouble

2007-09-15T16:40:00.000+08:00

Okay i have two more papers left before prelim ends. on monday.
Then i'll start losing hair for the next 6 weeks because i realize.

1. I am completely unprepared for math.

I screwed Paper 1 like never before. Possibly because i've been doing ONLY stats the whole study leave. I can comfort myself that i'm studying for the A levels not prelims. But you should really see my Paper 1. I only managed to complete 1 question fully. I even forgot how to do BInomial, differencetiation.. and COMPLEX. HOW CAN I FORGET COMPLEX.

So from next wednesday on, ihave decided to do... AT LEAST 4hours of math every day. EVERYDAY. Would anyone like to volunteer to make sure i do it. COS.. omg.. i am so gona FAIl.. NONONONONONONONONONONO.

Anyway i'm trying to salvage my math with paper2 on monday AFTERNOON. pls pray that the weather is not sleepable and i will actually rmb how to do math.

2. That though i know econs by theory, i have the tendency to forget some things on the way.

Does that mean that my only A for H2 is gone. i hope not.

3. THat i seriously dont have enough Geog case studies and that the content is easily forgetable. Either way i have to settle the case studies by next week.

I guess that's bout it. Overall... i think that my chem did much better. I think. At least i know i know about 80% of the answers for the paper. Hey better than the previous 0.001% from the previous few papers.

Either way.

I need to start workng alot more. Like ALOT.

SIX WEEKS IS SIMPLY GONA PASS LIKE... LIKE THAT!

test test test!

2007-09-09T01:03:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here Take the test i dare you. THey say i should never be a math teacher.

NDP '07

2007-08-25T00:36:00.000+08:00

So ... my dear friend got 2 tickets for NDP this year and invited me to go! MY FIRST NDP on the DAY ITSELF. so happy. But too bad i only had a lao yah pok camera that would only take pictures when it wants to... on other times.. it would just hang...

So when the chance came.. i snapped away till the batteries went flat. Here are some pictures.. hope you like em :D

My favourite of the day

2nd favourite

People.

My blue star

My star and friend's star

People with firey stuff

3rd favourite. Really loved the lasers

The picture isnt blur. They are REALLY flapping

Fire effects from the tall buildings.

FInale

Had a really beautiful day. =D

thanks

2007-08-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had that feeling
when you just reached out you hand to help
But instead get pulled in the mud
And made a stool the way out

Have you ever had that feeling
of holding on to someone lost
But instead get taken for granted
And spat on like a road side dog

Have you ever had that feeling
that maybe all these wasnt worthwhile
But instead of giving up and throwing the towel in
Your guilt holds u strong

Have you ever had that feeling
That although all hope seems lost
There's someone somewhere beyond what eyes can see
is waiting to share your burden and set you free

I dont know why i'm doing this anymore. I should have just stayed put and let the rest take it's course. I was supposed to be perfectly happy where i am.. or rather was.

I guess the world works thid way, when many things go unappreciated for. And i guess i've learnt how important it is to appreciate, espcially to my God.

For the past few months i realized i've been letting God pass me by. Or rather i chose to walk past everything he's done for me... dont know.. guess it's just humans.

So i cant blame anyone, i dont wan to or rather i'm not fit to.

All i want to do now is give thanks to God... for whatever he's done.
For the friends and people he put around me
To love me, listen to me, pray for me,
Hug me, teach me, stand by me
For all the tears and tantrums that may have arised
I thank God for holding me tight
Carry me in my valley (which i guess is actually pretty shallow)
And lift me high above the seas

I thank you God for everyday
Every minute every second
of my life
because of your amazing grace

Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord

Let me sing praises
about your love, your grace
Let me dance with joy
And lift up my hands in prayer

Because you're the Lord my God
My healer and my salvation
My strength and my fortress
My amazing mighty God

2007-07-07T01:48:00.000+08:00

i need to say some things.
For one now,
it's getting harder to breathe.
now that it's gone.

YOu keep digging inside,
but there's nothing.

4 limbs paralyzed.

That's what happens, when you lose.

The coming of my eulogy

2007-06-27T18:08:00.000+08:00

Did anyone really write the eulogy for me?
Didn't know the pre-eulogy i wrote for myself was so telling.

Got struck with some weird diesease after the crazy monday. Maybe because the 3 essays i wrote for econs and 2 wrecked essays i wrote for geog plus 4 drqs weakened my immune system so bad, i got a sore throat because i was freezing in the hall.

Sore throat because your were freezing. Does that actually make any sense.

So the story goes, that thinking i'd get better after some rest on monday, it actually got worse when i woke p with a terribly headache and my very first time experiencing whatever giddiness meant. Sent to the 24 hour clinic. Got diagnosed, came back with a fever.

Whoopdidoo, this virus sure is great.

Next day i went to school for chemistry paper totally unprepared. You'll understand why when i tell you that it took me a full 15 plus minutes to read the FIRST question. Even if you asked me what that question is now, i wouldn't be able to tell you. The whole world was shifting and i ended up having possessed, because i seriously cannot recognize my own handwriting. Did i write something like "die" or "error". Whatever. To the teacher who will be marking my paper, please do note that it wasn't I who was doing the paper, so please dont blame me for making you puke blood.

Which i did. You should the the "exhilaration" on my face when i saw blood in the sink.So yeah, didnt go for math paper. So spanking great. To miss two papers during mid years. My final chance to actually do well (though i'm sure to not do well considering that i've forefited aboput 50% for chem and math). Wish me luck for the remaining on friday and next wednesday (i never figured why it had to be NEXT wednesday).

But worry not my friends, for i'm on the road to recovery. As you can see... i'm already BLOGGING (which is supposedly something very elementry). Which means, i can read properly.. for more than 10 seconds.

Oh god help me.

This is, and should be a lesson to all you people out there...please take care of your health during examination period, and do not share food or go near people who are sick or supposedly recovered. Don't take any risks. And yeah, pray to God that non of this unfortunate events of the above will happen to you. Better not happen during my As.

On my death bed

2007-06-25T01:10:00.000+08:00

Someone, please prepare a eulogy for me.
I'm dying in about 7 hours time.
Yep.
Oh yeah there are a few nice pictures you can get from my mum to put on the orbituary page.
Thanks.
Love you!

midnight prayer

2007-06-23T02:13:00.000+08:00

Convict me of my sin, O God
Before it's too late for me to turn back.

Cleanse my lips, O God

Before it's fouled and turned black.

Change my heart, O God
Before it's hardened and locked away.
Break me, O God
Before i crumble from my own personal dismay.

Wash me in your cleansing blood
Renew my life from the inside out
Give me strength so i stand strong
And child like faith to let go

This is not mine, but yours alone
Release my grip and hold me close
God, please never let go
You're the only one i belong

Dont let me go

Untitled

2007-06-15T01:16:00.000+08:00

You know, i realized that this blog has been around so long, there's so many links to this place and so many people have been here, i dont even know who comes here anymore. And i cant say what i always want to say anymore. Maybe i'm going to change my blog address. Or open a secret blog.

Secret blog is so ironic.

Should i put a password to this place? Still considering.

But i never liked living under a mask. Never liked feeling one and showing another. It's just too difficult. You'll never know when you'll slip into the wrong shoes at the wrong place. There's only one me, and i like that.

I'm not hiding anything nor am i showing any much signs of hypocracy, just that i love details. And blogs hamper details, cos u got to think of many other factors that contribute to ur entry. So u just got to, not reveal those details. And that, seriously hampers my writing. Alot.

If i become specific, trust me, i've calculated the cost and benefits, and definitely, the benefits outweighs the cost.

Still, there's always this struggle to...hai.

Forget it, i never said anything.

~

Life is going to get harder, and i'm still not dealing with it. It's really hard to be human. At times i really want to be that brown cat downstairs, going anywhere, sleeping anytime, doing anything. No worries, well, only whether or not i get enough to eat.

~

I'm just reminded about something, but i shall not blog about it now.
Later.
Tmrw or something.

boring post about my life

2007-06-12T23:52:00.000+08:00

this post is just another boring post about my life.

which isnt very boring. SO u can skip it if u wish, but u'll so be missing out.

Then again...

DO NOT READ THIS POST!

Life now, as it is: i am having an INFECTED EYELID. Someone please donate a new eyelid for me!!it's day 3 of infection.. with bacteria. It's worse than sore eyes because.. it constantly hurts. This morning it hurt so bad, i thot my eyes were BLEEDING so i woke up to only realize my left eyelid was twice as large as my right one. Someone would have thought a huge beetle had crawled into my eyes or something. Wasnt helping that my eyelids were glued together by some gooey substance.

ew.

i know. thanks for the response.

Came to realize that the antibiotic eye cream the doctor gave makes my eye shit every thirty minute. It like lao sais or something. How do i know it? when my vision goes blur, i take a tissue paper to dab it, TADA! disgusting yellow gooey stuff. Anyway, doc said if my eyes dont get well by tmrw, i'd have to go back for oral medication which will have some side effects.

Drats.

I freakin need to study.

I seriously dont see myself entering the U at the rate or state that i'm at now. God help me.

COME ON JOY! YOU CAN DO IT! JIA YOU JIA YOU! can u ppl say some encouraging things so i can get motivated? Best motivation lines gets a snicker bar from me!! quick quick!

Oh yes, about bible camp. hur hur... quite interesting this time round. Had a nightmare about playing the keyboard. erm. played alot of keyboard. drank murky water. ate corn. grew fat. bought alot of clothes. didnt fall sick though the vast majority did, which is really surprising. erm erm... haha... not exactly a very memorable one.. bt yeah, it was quite alright. +D

another thing is, i think i'm losing it. I realized that knowing what is right and doing what is right is different. The earth is painted in grey. hai.

okae time to get back to studying (tho it is 12:12 am) boohoo.
no one sympathizes me.
i am a sad case.

No lah. i am happy.=D

*btw if u read this, the reverse psychology worked on you.

Red

2007-06-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

Red

The paint of

Passion

Love,

that engulfs and consumes.

Like the flaming fire,

that burns,

everlasting.

Red

The paint of

Lust

Craving,

for that touch of skin.

Like the mirage in the desert,

whatever is,

only a moment.

Red

The paint of

Death

Warning,

of the danger that lurks.

Like the streams of blood,

that loses its way,

forever.

Red

The paint of

Salvation

Grace,

The amazing wonder given.

Like a lamb to sacrfice,

silently exchanged for lives,

of sinners.

clouds

2007-05-26T23:17:00.000+08:00

I love clouds. Large, strong towering clouds.

They look like the hand of God, covering the world. Assuring that He's in control.

Above all the joy and pain, above all the love and sorrow, above all the cares of the world, there is one i can always rely on. That i can always lean on, depend on. My refuge and my strength. My God.

For the past one month or so, God showed me more about myself. I learnt alot. But above all i realized how much He's always been there, even though sometimes i dont seem to feel it at all. He was just always there watching.

I've been so protected all my life. I've been kept safe, under the arms of God. When my toe touched the unknown waters, it was enticing at first. It was something unknown, mysterious, dangerous, adventurous. I wanted to leave, i wanted to go.

But as soon as my heels soaked into darkness, i felt i needed to run back to God. I knew something was wrong. Something wasn't right anymore. Something wasn't the way it should be. I was blinded. He took my hand, pulled me out and whispered into my ears. He hugged me, assuring me that He'll always be there to lean on, that He'll never let go.

That Sunday in church, something great happened. I felt my weight, my thoughts and my cares all rested upon Him. I felt God's presence, that missing link once again. But that was just the beginning of it all, just the initial stage of preparation.

Alot happened this week, and i know if u're still reading this, you still dont know what in the world i'm talking about but that's fine. You shouldnt know actually. This one's for my personal reference. Just that alot happened. It's happened before, but this time things are different. Cos i allowed God to intervene. And He did so, in miraculous ways. Sometimes right, God's timing is like. perfect can? PERFECT.

okae i guess all the babbling has been babbled and enough has been said.

Thank God Thank God.
For being above all these. For keeping me pure and sane. For being my shelter and protector.
Thank God.

T.I.M.E

2007-05-11T21:10:00.000+08:00

When you were in primary school,

they tell you to Walk, don't run.

And now you're in JC,

they tell you to Run, don't walk.

Why do they tell you to take time, yet ask you to prepare before time.
Why do they tell you to hurry, yet always dilly-dallying.

They say a moment comes, an opportunity arrives. Grab it don't let it go.
But
They say you're still young, many more will come.

Then,

They say life is short, treasure every moment.
But
They say time is money, treasure it.
So exactly how am i suppose to treasure it. By your definition or mine?

It's my time, let me live it

6 months 6 days

2007-05-11T01:20:00.000+08:00

6 months and 6 days more to the end of A levels.

To the end of my uniform years.

To the end of my promise.

Whatever happens between now and then, is crucial. How much to hold back, how much to give. How much to say, how much to listen. How much to know, how much to remain ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss, but with it, there's alot you miss.

pain in the back

2007-05-09T14:33:00.000+08:00

Having a terrible backache and i don't know what's wrong. Going to see a doctor soon. My brother isnt helping my playing the same series of arpeggios on the piano over and over again.

-_-

There's still so much work to do. Feel like dying already. BACK PAIN!!!

I wonder at times if you're real, tangible. Am i left in this alternate world, or rather a dream that i'm not waking up from.

movie

2007-05-07T20:24:00.000+08:00

It's just as if i've been put into a movie show.

Where everything seems so perfect now, so complete and beautiful.

Is the wheel going to stop? Is there going to be a twist?

Is it real, or am i just

delusional.

blinded.

Wake me up, please, if it were all lies.
Wake me up

Happy entry

2007-05-04T22:52:00.000+08:00

Okae, so people say my posts are depressing so i've come up with a photo log of everything in the past 5 mths.. and pretty much concised. or rather, very concised.

Says alot aint it. Taken on new year's eve.

He's probably the most adorable boy that's absolutely fascinated by my camera.

Yeah.. i know i know.. i always seemto sprain my ankle...it's getting better.

My VIRGIN mirror picture.. with sec school friends during reunion.

Loveable cousins and i. Love them forever.. the ones that will always be there. DOn't u think that country mike's cool? I THINK IT IS~

The picture that always put a smile on my face. UNGLAM!

Jonathan and Zhuang Mao... grew up together with me.

Bestie's sister (Nadia) and I. She's the most adorable girl fascinated by my camera.

When the lost friend is found, Daryl and I.

Common scene before every dance practice. I miss the syf days.

Photo in a photoshop.Day out with the girls.. i knew khad had it in her to be a model.

SR kids. LOVE THEM!!! look at matty..enthu!

Mel and I at grandma's da shou. WE do look alike.. to a certain extent.

Need i say more about their character.

Adele, the one that helped me through one of the darkest times. I know i look like crap.. was crying the whole day okae.

Bordem during math lecture.

Find this picture really interesting. HAHA. Nick, Jacob and Mich at road race 07.

Triton 4th HC. Will never forget you all. :D Road Race '07.

The girls that tolerate my every temper, lethargy, tantrums and most of all nonsense.. cos they see me everyday in class. YOu really got to give it to them. Aining, khad, siau ling.. and I!

Aining's new love. kiss kiss. the pig's like scared.

Yep alrite.. that's about it. Hope some smiles were achieved while browsing this.

1st May

2007-05-01T23:20:00.000+08:00

1st May.

I remember.

Said and done.

1, 2, 3, 4 ...

Go back to sleep, dream.

1st May

Ways to relief stress

2007-04-30T00:24:00.000+08:00

It's late and i'm mugging chem. Last minute, cos i spent the whole of saturday hibernating and recuperating, ended up over doing it and got a headache. Bleah. Anyway, i've just been through one of the more stressful periods of my life thus far and a few more are on its way.. J2 year lah, what can you expect. So here are some stuff i did to relief any angst stress anger or whatever.. kept as a mental note for my reference in the future too.

1. tear paper. Effecient especially when you want to keep it down low and quiet. It's good if u imagine that you're shredding someone you hate into pieces. Or you could just write whatever u want on that paper and tear. Tissue paper's good too. Though note the dry pulp that makes your fingers chalky, not forgetting that mess.

2. Ink out my pens and markers on a page. Works in between lessons when you're sitting in the LT, and u freakishly hell wana break down because you dont understand a nut the lecturer's saying, or possibly because u cant stand the sight of someone and you wana scream but you cant, so yep, scribbling's good. Just dont finish your inks.

3. growling, hissing and roaring. Rather comical but works for me. Makes people laugh and helps me relief that "monster" inside me without any harm inflcited on the rest. One stone kill two birds. hua hua..

4. Blast loud music can try good charlotte, fall out boys, kelly clarkson, switchfoot blah blah.. stuff that you can sing along and SCREAM YOUR FREAKIN LUNGS OUT. RnB hip hop doest count cos u'll just be supressing the stress not relieving it. You need to LET IT OUT.

5. Write, blog, talk. It gets your brain organized. Works especially well for people like me who think too much and think too far.

6. Dance. Fast numbers works well for me. Whacks out your brain and helps with new moves. Modern contemp will be good if u're feeling exceptionally emo. Dont have dance studio, do it in ur room, or even in the train. Close your eyes and imagine your stage.

7. Swim. With every dip of your head into the water, let it drain away everything else in your head.

8. Drumming, or whacking on something though i perfer if it makes a proper beat, noise is just gona make me crazy eventually. if tables arent around use your lap or something. Everything's beatable.

9. Cry. Be a man. Cry. Feel and understand the weakness, When the tears run dry, it's time to stand up again.

10. ~~Burn your notes~~ Pray. Easiest but the hardest to do. Especially when u're stressed.

Yep, so far i've only got 10, i guess the list will pile.. hopefully, if not i'm just gona trap myself in a spiral of unending stresses..a nd then i'll get white hair, and grow more wrinkles..
noo......

10pm

2007-04-28T21:37:00.000+08:00

At this point in time...

it feels like no one's watching. and.. i can do anything i want... and no one will know about it.

It's as if my fate lies in my hands. suddenly. And if i were to make a decision, a drastic one that will forever change my life, nobody will be there to stop me. No one. I am left on my own now, independent enough to decide what i want for my own life.

And then they will look back in time and wonder where in my whole entire life did i just "lose it". Okae, maybe not lose it, but suddenly deicide on my new course in life and will probably never pin down this moment in time. But now that i've blogged, yeah, they probably will.. but no, i'm not going to do soemthing drastic, because this post is up already anyway.

We've all grown up and gone our different ways. I'm the only one left. Will i still say no?
I don't know

words lesbians and relationships

2007-04-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

"From the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form that ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and i had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry."

-Elizabeth Bennet of Pride and Prejudice

This is probably the most amazing and harshest rejection i've heard or seen. I've read it once, i've read it twice, i've read it so many times yet it still impacts me the very same way.

I always surprise myself with the long string of words that i blurt out at the peak of my emotions. It doesnt trail off half way and neither does it not make any sense. Most of the time, it makes perfect sense, to a point it dumfounds my listener. It is not intentional, but merely gas released from a coke can, seemingly un-ending and uncontrollable. What is said cannot be taken back, just like what Elizabeth Bennet said to Mr Darcy.

So what if this were a fictional character, it was written by a non fictional character. That means, there is a possibility that anyone of us could have or would have been caught in a similar situation. Sometimes you wished words could be taken back, but they can't. But i believe in my words and i prefer clarity, transparency. If it has to be known, i will say it and i hope at the very least, the consequence of my words do not bring about the wrong impressions but only the right actions. But sometimes things do not carry out as planned. Still, no point regretting.

Now, on to a much far fetched topic.. which is highly controversial, to the world but i need to write about it just to let it out. Please do not mistaken what i'm going to say and form the worng impressions alright.

Sometimes i think that being lesbian is much better than being hetrosexual.

Breathe. No no, i am not lesbian. Just that i'm giving it a thought about it. I guess most ptobably because girls are simply not like guys who "think about sex every 6 secs". (note: quotation marks mean that i am not taking responsibility of that statement as it was from one intellectual guy i know of). I wouldn't like some guy to be all over me, for the girls that like that, i really dont understand. Which leads me to another conclusion...

Dont get into a relationship too soon. Yeah i know parents always nag at us about it saying that we still have loads of time left and you'd probably think that i am some brainwashed kid who naively believes in life long relationships that will lasts forever and the next thing you'd probably as me is how sure i am of my "future relationship". Right? Right? okae, fine i shall answer you properly for now.

First being, i've seen too many things happening. Let's not touch the part about maturity to handle relationships and monentary, emotional and mental ability to carry it out. Let's just go to the very basics of it. What is love to you. Is it something that should be taken lightly, something physical perhaps or maybe important. Are you with someone because of status, physical appearences or what? that person's character? Feelings fade, deal with it. Honeymoon only lasts the first few moments, but what happens after that depends alot on who you really are and who that person really is.

Sometimes starting a relationship too young or going into it too much or too quickly will affect how you view relationships in the future. If you eventually break up (which often is the case), you'd probably worry that it'd end the same way for your next relationship. Futhurmore, if getting a partner is being too simple for you or maybe because you have gained that "much experince requried" you'd eventually find everything mundane. In conclusion, the time spent with your supposed loved one, or say the effort and feelings put into it will be so much more devalued.

I am not sure if the one i eventually end up with or soon to be will be the one with me forever. No one can vouch that. But hey, at least i know i'd treasure that person with the best of my capabilities and reaping the one single period of time in my life than having a high standard deviation of relationships.

Don't wana spoil it for "the one" though i'd probably never know and choose the right one, at least i know i did my best, for myself at least.

People's questions

2007-04-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

Many people question about God. Many people question about religons. They question why people of religon act this or that way. They question why we believe in something that we have not seen. They ask if tongues are real, and is truly something from God. They ask if the music we play in church is right. They why leadership is not extolled in my church and a young age. They challenge me to the clarity of the bible, and even right down to the version itself. They ask many many questions.

To be honest, i dont have the answer for all their questions. But recently, things have become increasingly difficult. I guess it is a part of growing up. I can't always depend on what i learnt in sunday school, nor in youth service. It has to go far more than that. I need to learn to find answers on my own, discipline myself to read deeper into God's word. Explore beyond the boundaries of the bible and into it's history.

Yet i'm afraid. I'm afraid i wont be able to discern. I'm afraid i might fall out of belief. I'm afraid to be different, and found wrong. But i want to be sure of my faith. I want to be dead sure about it. THat one day when i'm held at gun point, i would be able to still stand firm that the very word of God is true.

I feel like i need to be an independent learner and discover God for myself and not take another's word for my food. I already feel a little helpless at the tests i'm put to constantly where ever i am. THere seems to be this tendency for me to be challenged at the lowest and least expected moments of my life. But these are only small tests. The big ones are coming really soon.

Very soon, the questions will become harder. Their hearts will grow harder. The world is based on facts. Facts gives one a confirmed point of view but leaves out possibilities. They will have their own facts, they will have their own set of believes. Are they going to shake me? Or am i going to shake them? i have no answer now. But the time will eventually come.

But head knowledge and wisdom can only take you that far.

What matters after that, my life of who i am, will be left in His hands, not mine.

God help me.

Spin

2007-04-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

I still remember when i was young, i'd like to spin on my two feets, looking skywards.

The exhilaration of velocity, amplified by the dizziness that comes after made me smile.

It felt like i had the ability to turn the world upside down, bt no power afterwards.

It felt like i was twirling away from the world to another alternate universe.

I can still hear the deep breaths. I can still feel the whole world shifting.

Spin spin spin.
Spin spin spin.

Spin away.

Now i can do it on one feet. But not lose my way.
The exhilration still exsist. But controlled.

yet, i miss the disorder.

nothingness

2007-04-21T22:05:00.000+08:00

I am just going to blabber. Been a little confused and disturbed.

Dont understand why sometimes christians are the ones that make the problem and lead the problem. I dont understand why they can't compromise. Why can't they just not fight with each other. Most importantly, they find no remorse at all in their actions. They find no fault at all at their stance and they find no thought in their ways.Isnt the word of God important to them at all? Isnt what it says more important than what the world thinks? Are they convicted of the word at all? Are they ever going to learn. Must they carry on in this fight with each other. Must they continue to lie in another's face. Is it really that hard to balance work and God? What you do in your work should glorify God. Shouldnt your actions and words and sound glorify him? But who am i to judge. Am i not one of them anyway. Was i never not convicted of sin and lies? I was. In no place i am to judge, to convict or to pass a verdict. This is not my place. What can i do then to tell them i love them. I cant pin them down. My actions, my words, my flesh speak otherwise. Have i not learnt enough and grow more? Have i not seen the disparity. SHould i not seek the light and walk in the light, but not avoid it? Why is it so hard to walk away from the flesh and walk in the light. Why is it so hard to tear my soul away from my flesh. It's difficult it's very difficult. i hear my silent screams. I know what to do but i dont do what i'm supposed to do and my flesh does otherwise. God help me. God help us. For we have gone astray.

Anderson choir

2007-04-21T01:40:00.000+08:00

i miss Anderson choir.
Alot.
Alot alot.
i wish i could turn back time.
And hope to be a part of the group that made me who i am again.

But i dont think it's the same anymore.

The Holy Rambutans -- grown

2007-04-20T00:57:00.000+08:00

The holy rambutans...

with Zul

Starring...

Joel Tan a.k.a rambuTan

(smiling gleefully at the presents which is a collaborated effort by Ho and Lee and classmates and guitar ensem mates)

Aaron Ho a.k.a Ho
(Being the cool and icy one during dinner)

and

Me (which i think you've seen enough)

My 18th surprise birthday which they planned.. i think.

From the moment i knew the both of you, i knew that we made to be bonded friends. It was something beyond a normal friendship. There was purpose behind the exsistance of our bond. It was something prayed for since 2002 and it came true in 2006.

I guess i was the first to withdraw from the group because i didnt want to affect either of you, nor harm you from what was happening to me. I dont think i can redeem the time i lost since then. But i know that this friendship will always be.

Today is Aaron's 18th birthday and Guitar Ensem's SYF performance. ANd they got a GOLD! I am absolutely elated by their results (and pressured otherwise for dance to perform as well). Not because i am in any way directly affected by the guitar ensem but simply because Joel and Aaron are simply my family.

Our relationship has grown so much over the past few months since we met till a point where understanding is bridged even with absence. I was on the phone with rambuTan that day and i felt simply comfortable with nothing spoken on the phone with only moments of interuptions and what not. Ho made my day when he stopped to talk for just 30 seconds.

The most amazing thing we found out about the three of us was that, we have same personality type. It was quite a freaky day when we found that out. What it is, readers please figure it out yourself.

No wonder we know how to react and what to say and not say at times...

There's only one thing i need to tell them, that they'll always be one of my bestest friends i'll ever have no matter the situation nor circumstance because i know sometimes my actions dont reflect how i feel.

And i know they think the same way too.

I love you guys. I think i can hug u till u die.

haha.

what a way to put things.

And oi! when are we going out!! i wana hear that jamming again! JOEL! U SAID AFTER BLOCK TEST! and it's like.. fine u owe me like 10 cones of ice cream. hurhur.

Year End bash '06. Why is it when i'm spastic u two are not. It works the other way round too. And you guys have such good hair now.. must be my influence.. STOP rolling your eyes at me!

The stage

2007-04-18T21:42:00.000+08:00

The stage

Should not be belittled

It should be respected

But not feared

It is the place

Where heaven is

Where emotions amplify

Where one becomes whole

It depicts

Emotions ran wild

Space and time

Colours, words, sounds

You'd have to

Let go of every vein

Sink into the soul of art

Infect beyond

the stage itself

~/\~

There's so much i want to say and there's so much i want to do but time is really running out. Syf is in one week's time and today's practice was just devastating. It is my first time dancing for such a large scale event and i dont really know how it works befor competitions or performances. I didnt even know how dances were choreographed and i was seriously questioning why zaki made us do such long number of steps and i wondered why the blockings dont come in first. i wondered where the drive and seriousness had gone to, something i remembered having when i was in choir. The leaders would rage and have pep talks every session. Sectionals were drivin into our 30 mintues recess. Extreme measures were taken to test each individual. There were no smiles.

Maybe because gold isnt really that hard to get in SYF for dance and maybe because.. i don't know. I don't know how things work. But it's getting me jittery all the time.

Though one may "love" the arts, dedication goes as far as perfecting the very bits of it.

There are times when we are down, and there are times when we are tired. There are times when we feel like giving up and there are times when we wonder why we're even putting our lives on hold for it.

Dance has let me experienced everything about the arts 10 folds. Everything, even it's performance has to be ten folds of it. There is no moment of slacking like staggered breathing (refer to any choir members for clarification), nor moments of de-shining. When you are up on that stage, every single part of you from your toenail to the split ends of your hair has to work.

Yet, the rewards of it comes in ten folds.

And so is the failure.

We have so much potential, but how much really becomes actaul really depends on the individual first. Then, as an ensemble, can we reach out to the audience, and exchange our souls for theirs.

~/\~

On a slightly happier note...

ANDERSON SEC CHOIR GOT GOLD WITH HONOURS!

YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! FINALLY! WE GOT WHAT WE DESERVED.

Andss choir was my family and my home. People inside were infected with the passion and love to sing. Little minded about the late nights we'd go home (exception of scholars who had to get back by 7 cos that's when dinner stops supplying). We'd sing and sing and sing. From school, on our way hone, through the underpass and on the train. Unison is felt, and when a chord is struck in perfection, it feels as if lifted from earth.

My seniors were the ones that crafted the love of the arts

My peers were the ones that cultivated the arts

My juniors were the ones that executed the arts

I'll never forget everything we've been through, from the first "porn" song we sang about wantons coming to play and our final performance during speech day. The dearest committee members i've ever come across and the achievements we made as a team i'll never forget. choir comm '04-'05, i love you guys!

Anderson choir, you bring the house down

Friends

2007-04-17T22:03:00.000+08:00

Just a few days ago, i was reminded why there are different kind of friends and why some are worth more than others. It's not that i'd prefer one friend from the other, but sometimes, certain friends become more than just friends and go beyond the supposed boundaries. They are the friends you'd keep for an entire lifetime, because u know every single word spoken and action done really comes from their heart.

It happens when your problem becomes my problem too, even though i don't know what in the world the problem is.

How you feel becomes how i feel, even though i dont know why you are really laughing and why you are really crying.

I just do the same.

Because i feel the very same thing impressed on me.

To be tied to someone's feelings is a choice, but it is a choice with consequences beyond control. You turn vulnerable and subjective to the person.

I've been throwing alot of tantrums really and i don't know why. Maybe because i'm stressed, maybe because i'm tired, maybe because everything is just turning whimsical. People come up to me and ask me if i'm okae. Honestly i never like that question for two reasons. One, obviously i am not alright and am trying to hide it so stop trying to remind me. Two, i dont think any of them remember and ponder why i'm actaully feeling this way. Everything just becomes words.

But the second doesnt apply to all.

It goes beyond beyond beyond that. And these people are often the ones that get hurt the most, even though they cared the most. Because ultimately, the suffer the wrath of my anger.

They stay up as long as their body can take on the phone. THough nothing really gets through, just wana let em know, presence is sometimes valued way beyond words. Silence or weird murmurings can sometimes be the most comforting thing in the world

In my life, i think i've only met two of these people.

And to this two people, just wana let you know, you're the greatest friend anyone can ever have =D. Though sometimes you might not have the words i want to hear, nor do you have the solutions i want to find, the thought that you will always be there is the most comforting thing ever.

....

Not saying that the rest are really bad lah, just that these two people really got it bad.. okae.. one of them got it really really bad. I still love all my friends. Because, every single one of you complete the picture of my life in different ways :D

stream of conciousness

2007-04-14T16:53:00.000+08:00

Where did i go wrong, i lost a friend, somewhere along in the bitterness. Maybe i should really have listened to her, and take more precaution of the people i mix with, stop going around and end up hurting myself right the very end. The hardest fact that homo sapiens can ever accept is the fact that the world is an imperfect place. It bothers me so much. I always wonder why things go the way it shouldnt. Mr Sung said nature favours disorder. Why. Why cant things be as simple as 1 2 3. Even 1 2 3 is difficult. Why is 1+1=2... must it really be two. WHy come up with such questions. Languge bothers me too. When u say one thing, people I understand the other. Why cant they just seem to get what i was driving at. Is it really that difficult. Is it so diffcult to just come and say sorry. It's only a 5 letter word. Why is it so difficult. it's like never being able to project the dance steps as the instructor wants. Both get equally frustrated. Not say words even actions cannot save such a situation. It takes way more than that. It's like the invisible hand in economics. you cant see it but u know it's the major factor of how the whole economy works. why are humans so hard to comprehend.why cant they just have two facial expressions =) and =(. Why must they have so many more. They tell you one on this side and then the tell another one of the other side. Why do they promise something in the present and revoke it in the future. Why do they smile at you and then stab you at the back. Why is it so difficult to just be honest. Why are there so many expressions, body, language, tone...Why must time continue and never stop. Why does one seem so close then but so distant now. I really miss you alot. Why havent i figured out what happened in that moment of time that i lost you, my friend, my buddy. Is it true that blood really runs thicker than water. Nothing can be applied to all. Nothing said can be said for all. Why cant everybody agree and stop all this nuclear warfare. Why must people show off their military power, scare the world and make everyone worry? Then again why are we so afraid of death. Is it because we will lose the ones we love and never seem them again and that we might never do the things we should have always done like to openly express your love or to just simple sit down in silence. Why do parents and children fight. Do they know that their kids are going to die tommorow. Do they know that life is fragile. Why arent we constantly reminded about life's fragility but instead constantly reminded of the future and how we should manage it. WHy are we so bothered about what people think about us. Why do we need acceptance. Why will ostracism dry us up. WHy must things change so quickly. Why does everyone think that all ideas in the world are new when they are actually something of the past. Is anyone truly original any longer. Is anyone even reading this, at this very point. Are u actaully thinking about the answers to my questions or are you just trying to figure out how i'm feeling now. Why is it even so hard to understand myself. Why do i always act against my favour. Why must i put myself in such a difficult position. THinking that i have 4 brains and that each are evaluating each other. Why cant i ever make up my mind on what i want. Why when i finally realize what i want, i get condemed about it. Is it fair that one person put is so little effort yet gains the award of one that puts in 100 folds more effort. Why isnt there a truly neutral ground. Why is there prejudice. Why cant people admit that they are prejudice. Why cant people see beyond their prejudice. Must there really be racism. Are we really that different from each other. Just because the skin is the largest organ of the body, it makes the greatest difference in the whole entire world. Why do we leave out people that are different from us and condem them for being different. THinking different. Acting different. Isnt there a hollow somewhere in every single one of us.Do things really apply to all. Maybe those who have filled that hollow can say they dont. Is there a general taste that everyone likes? is everything in the mind? even lonliness. Can we psyche ourselves into thinking that we are not alone? Is it truth or false then again. Can the house be empty yet you feel the most comfortable and settled. As if in a safe nest away from the whole entire world. Is this security false. Is being in the arms of one right or wrong. Is it wrong to serach for love? Is it wrong to find it and reject it again. and again. and again. Is it a blessing or is it a curse. Why do we need to feel wanted. Why do girls need to have children. Why do guys need to do ns. Why do we have to study so hard and in the very end find ourselves driving a taxi down orchard road. WHy must we compete so hard. Why must we have predatory pricing, and eliminate our opponents but not compete. Is the need to survive really that important. Can u survive with your conscience telling you that it was at the expense of death. Why are we seeking for so much fairness and equality, when in the very end we find ourselves practicing the opposite. Are we really that ignorant to our actions. How much are u willing to betray your body just to get what you want. Is it alright for you to be a beer girl. Must you really have the last say at every argument and every phone call. Why isnt there a plane of agreement. Even if there was why must we employ so much measures so it would not be broken at the very end. Must treaties always come to a bad end. Why does prosperity reap jealousy. Why cant we fend for ourselves. WHy are we fending for ourselves. Why cant we always have the best of both worlds? is the grass realyl greener on the other side. Why do the simplest things turn to become so difficult and the hardest things can actually be simple. Why do our teachers tell us, it's actaully very easy and when we dont think hard enough they blame us for it. Why do we have to live in such an unpredictable world. Why must we learn to interpret things that are not of the obvious, and that people expect that we can. Why is love so hard to manage. Why is the beginning always so sweet that it'll eventually become bitter. Why are lesser and lesser people unable to overcome that bitterness. Why do couples eventually break up either by time or by death. Is it really that hard to stay committed. Is it really hard to say i love you after 5 years of being together. Why cant your first love be your love forever and that love will be as fresh as it was on the very first day. Why is everything an eventuality of time, like a soda can filled shaken a few hundred times. Why are leaves usually green but not red, yellow, blue, black when they are fresh. Why am i here sitting and typing this. I dont know. Why are we still taught about happily ever after, everything will be okae,pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, hope, when it really doesnt exsist. Because at the very end of one turmoil, another begins. Why are we all caught up. Why are you still trying to answer all my questions and evaluate me. Are u judgemental? Are u really alive? Are you sure this is all not a dream? Are u sure that this is reality? Are you sure we are stuck between a dream and reality? Are u sure you understood whatever i wrote. Are you sure you still want to continue reading even if this took up the whole blog space.When will you stop reading. Are u reading because you care or beacuse you're just bored or you're just searching if any of these applies to you. Are u thinking. Do you know that the world is such an imperfect place when moments of perfection enters into our lives we are touched by amazement. Doesnt it just show how much we crave for perfection of life, just wanting things to go our way. Why cant it go our way, why must we make it go our way.

Why the hell am i typing this.

I forgot

On a much calmer note

2007-04-13T23:09:00.000+08:00

I need to account for the blog entry concerning the houses and clarify certain things and assumptions that may have risen out of that particular blog entry alright. Don't get angry that i'm continuing a saga that's about to end. Just that i cant seem to talk to people in school cos everyone's getting busier and what not.

But first i need to ask, do you agree that there lies enemity (even a little) between the houses. From what i gather frm ZK's entry, i think you do agree.. just that the rest of the school dont give two hoots about it. correct me if i'm wrong =D.

So yep, i do agree that my suggested measures were way to drastic and were at the point where some things began to happen and you just feel absolutely helpless at this macro problem that no one understood, hence the entry was definitely harsh and may have come down bad on some of you.

Little incidents occur around the school, and stuff are being said around school. All this many little things just slowly pile up. I wonder how you'd feel when your junior comes up to you and thrash u with all the problems concerning the houses and hope that you can have a solution because they feel absolutely vindicted, and even if you knew the "solution", nothing can be done about it.

And this is not feedback from my house members only. It comes from people of other houses who have witnessed things happening. I am not exactly comfortable listing down all the stuff that has happened, cos things might just get worse.

I am only asking for transparency, and i hope the 4th house comm will agree with me to it. The upcoming colosseum is a nest for much competition and strife. If any of you find triton at a cheating stance or something you are displeased with us about, please do come right up to us. And if we do have any problems , we'd go to your respective comms. Because the house comm is the bridging point across all houses and levels. the 4th house comm is not made up of 5 separate committees but are one as a whole. It is much harder to manage 5 different minds as compared to only one. But i do believe the 5 different minds can work as one and think as one.

I am not critisizing the 4th house comm for not being bonded and having internal conflicts. I only said that we did not greater emphasize inter-house unity at a school wide level. But we cannot fully expect ourselves to take full control of this situation. The 4th HC was there to establish the houses into a proper system and garner school spirit. That i can assure every single living person on earth that we have succeeded.

The 5th house comm should then take the responsibility of it.

That's what i wanted to talk about. And the decision of the next committee lies in the hands of the 4th. That's why i'm brining this up at such a crucial point (tho we are going to step down).

All hope is not lost.

Once again, i'd really REALLY want to talk to you all (members of 4th hc) face to face about these. Because there are things some of you should know, because you have the power to change it.

.....
..

....
..

.....
..

Aiyo, stop reading this and talk to me directly lah.

My beloved 89s

2007-04-08T00:31:00.000+08:00

Through years we've been through,

toddlers, primary, secondary school.

Ranging from Sett

All the way to Sunday School.

SCC was our moment of success,

Kang Kong with rice was our favourite then.

I still remember the day when each of you came in,

Looking a little lost, but hoping for a friend

We've seen each other laugh

We've seen each other cry

Maybe picked a two on one another

And grit our teeth till grind.

But what covers us,

Is the love of God.

Something far greater,

than a frienship band knot

Though some may be far

Either in mind or in space,

We'll know our hearts are linked,

As if cheek to face.

My beloved, 89

lost and found

2007-04-06T14:20:00.000+08:00

That coarse needle piercing into my arm.

Viscous red liquid flows,

As it draws, my life is slowly drained out of me

Bit by bit, little by little

I closed my eyes, my body sinks

I'm leaving the world, i'm leaving...

"Can i have the next first time donor please?", the nurse called, as i was knocked out of my dream.

Apparently they decided increase their rate of effeciency to check if our veins are big enough. She strapped my arm and begin exerting the pressure on it.

My veins are small, so my attempt to kill myself in the midst of doing good has been foiled. This week has been pretty depressing, yesterday was just very very depressing. School work is piling, the pressure to perform better (altho you grades may be average or above average of level) is escalating. Coupled with the fact that my friends are also equallu depressed, i dont have much people to talk to. Dance isnt going too well for me, lately been unable to do the drag pirouette and feeling EXTREMELY lethargic. Try having dance practice till 9 plus. Or having it from mon to wednesday till late and on sat mornings too. It'll probably get worse. If i didnt like dance, i'd probably have walked right out.

Then came the quadrupled whamy when i realized my gc (graphic calculator, fyi costs about S$175) was lost and i had no idea where and when i lost it.. in the middle of the night when i just got home and wanted to start on chemistry tutorial. So i ended up doing everything the old fashioned way. mind you, most of the numbers were in decimals. (my smaller calc's spoilt)

Losing my GC is like losing hope in life. Because 50 percent of my subjects require the AVID use of the gc. Math.. need i explain.. the whole thing's about gcgcgcgcgcgcgc... i was festered during math lecture when the lecturer kept going "so if you would refer to your gc..." (it's not his fault btw), and i would look at my notes and grumble, figidting on my seat. I would really give a hand to khad for keeping up with me, telling me "it's alrite" and "relax lah girl" during the whole lecture. But really.. i couldn't pay attention..Chemistry is all about enthlapy change and never in my life (until i reached jc) did i realize chemistry requires a whole lot of math and calculations and blah blah blah...Econs, yes to calculate gdp, Marginal ______(fill in the blanks), rates and blah for case study. Bleaurgh.. thank goodness geog and Gp dont require it... YET.

I think you get the picture. Basically my day was so spoilt, nothing could cheer me up. Hey, even seeing sexy back run on the track din make me smile, it's quite suprising actually. Ice cream didnt work, getting good grades didnt work, tearing paper helped a little... i felt like crying most of the day.

My day was just spoilt. Nothing could make me happy. Not unless i found my gc. There was really nothing anyone could do. I just kept praying... God's miracles never ceased in my "lost items" Things that were lost in mj were always miraculously found, from my wallet to my shoe bag to my organizer. I just hope that someone would find it. But knowing the price and importance of a gc in JC education, the chances were freakisly slim. So i was depressed. Thank God my vein's too small to draw blood out, if not the person that gets my blood would probably be depressed too.

Somehow... somehow i felt... everything began when i lost my bible.

I left it in church in a hurry to leave that sunday and my dad couldn't find it. And then things begin to crumble. But when i went back to church on thursday night for our final rehearsal, my bible was found. I felt much safer, much happier. And for a split moment, my mind was just lifted from everything. That's how i feel everytime i come back to read God's word. I find myself removed from all the cares of the world, cos i know my God is above all things.

That night, though i was stone from the week's work, i felt peace. Much much better i guess.

This morning, for some strange apparent reason, the first thing my dad did when he woke up in the morning was the come to my room and search the floor for my gc. I've searched the floor TWICE the night i realized it was missing, flipped everything there was, but still did not find it. My mum searched the floor the next morning and never found my gc. But when my dad entered my room for less than 5 mintues, he found my gc... as if it were lying there all long. Or rather, it just suddenly appeared.

I thot i was dreaming when my dad told me he found it... cos by logical thinking, after so many days and persistent checking of the same place, the gc should have been stolen and lost and never found. But it was.

I rmb telling adele while in the canteen yesterday that there are many things in this world that we cannot control. How events occur, how higher authority exerts pressure and work on us, how people act and feel... there's a billion and one things. But we are always fooled that we are in control. We plan, we design, we run after our goals. But whether we reach there or not, is really not within our power to determine.

Only God can control it. i'm not saying that i believe in God because i know that humans cannot control things and only some supernatural force out there can. THis is just a whole subset of a greater purpose. And because i found that greater purpose, the rest of the world is covered.

Logic tells you what to do in present time,
God tells you what to do in future time.

to whoever lah...

2007-04-04T22:32:00.000+08:00

No intention to harm, no intention to kill.

To the 4th HC members who've read that. you know you can come right up to me and talk. I am not that scary lah... Anyway, because this is a public domain it's much harder for me to say certain things.. cos it isnt right to put em here. So i'll tell you, when we talk * sound of drum roll*

Just one thing to clarify... for whoever has read the prev post, the 4th HC has done extremely well.. cos i guess we all achieved the aim of a better school unity via house performance. If Triton was the first to get hit, there will be others in the future. And i dont want this to happen to the other houses. Because there is something that can be done and it is not too late at all.

Though i'm pretty glad i got enough HC members to read this... so we can talk!

i guess that's all i have to say. And really i dont want to replace a real convo with technological advances. So yep. TALK TO ME!

words

2007-04-01T00:50:00.000+08:00

In the dead of the night
when most homo sapiens are asleep
the nocturnal kind
wakes

Though night blooms,
Still air blankets over the land
heat creeping down the cheek
i wonder

Why do i always sink into deep thought in the middle of the night? Formulate my own depression, locked in deep thoughts. There's so much i need to pour out, yet there's none. It's as if time stopped and i'm the only one moving, thinking. Get me out of this black hole.

Recently a series of events have led me to think everywhere else but myself. The only self-centred part of it is... my opinion. You're entitled to yours and mine to me. So here we go.

Alot of people talk without thinking, impulsive. No consequences. immature? i don't know really. Maybe because i'm stuck in this era.. in a moment of time, i guess i'll term it immature. But not now.. cos the majority of people my age are that way. And i don't see it justifiable to call them immature.. not now at least.

Saying that words don't kill is a lie. It is amazing how words can kill whatever is built over years. just one paragraph, just one sentence, just one phrase, just one word. It is, as i read, one of the deadliest weapons of social amoury.

When you bitch without brains, you are a bimbo.
When you bitch with brains, you are a bitch.
When you bitch with or without brains and with the downright intention to kill someone's self esteem and what not, you are NOT a bitch. You are just whatever you say that person is.

Tyra Banks was commenting about the recent (ok not that recent) spate about her and the tabloids and i found what she said about tabloids and gossips is true. "when it happens to you, your realize how crazy it is and how hurtful it is"

So you people out there hear me, do a favour for yourself and others and stop insulting people with the intention to kill.

Everyone here is a victim of words. There are three ways people react when they are faced with the attack of words.

1. Surpress all feelings and keep it inside
2. Lash back at that person or to anyone else
3. Do something about it, other than lash back at that person or anyone else.

point 1 is just a time bomb. It just kills you slowly.. cos well.. we all know you keep thinking about it. As a consequence, every action and word will be a cautious. Just like a clown walking on a tight rope.

point 2 is a vicious cycle. More pain, more worries, more agony, more enemies. Unsettling. hate hate hate hate hate. Get over yourself. Really.

point 3. Behind every comment MIGHT lie a strand of truth. Sometimes insults may not be a bad thing afterall. I grew from insults and bad talks. But what i learnt most about it is to review them and question myself. Not saying that i should take whatever people say into my own stride and try to please everyone. This is a question about your values and persepectives.

It is the intention behind the action that should be questioned and not the action itself.

So for those who have been badly hurt by words, still hurt, ever hurt, sieve through whatever has been said and review it with your values. Dont be discouraged or pushed down by simple talk. Especially if it's on the internet. Most people appear strong and forceful over it, cos they have a screen to mask themselves. Search the intention behind their words but never at the words themselves. They are probably structured to hurt you but not help you.

I absolutely understand the frustration behind all this. You just want to kidnap that person, call his family and make them all worry. hang him by the feet upside down from the celing, cut out his tongue and skin him alive and then put salt all over his barren wounds. Okae maybe not that bad, but yes it's around there.

But find yourself instead admist all these, what you believe and stand for. Then you'll grow and learn to say, "kiss my fat ass"

The thing about the houses

2007-03-31T00:17:00.000+08:00

With perfect knowledge that this is a public site, that anyone in the whole entire world can read this, i am still going to write about this issue.

Everything that's occuring now in the school's student leadership system is a time bomb. We're all just waiting for someone to explode, and openly express this. And i am going to be one of the pioneers. It is specially directed to the 4th house com and the rest of the student population. I have no intention whatsoever to "slap anyone in the face" or so to speak or create furthur dissension than there is already in the current situation. So for goodness sake, let me say what i want to say.

For those who don't know, here's an overview. Hi, i'm from the Triton house com (compromising of 7) and we have been winning almost all the inter-house competition since, well, since our term in office. We lead 1/5 of the school population, inclusive of both the senior and junior levels. Probably as a result of such, the other houses have the tendency to exlcude us. We don't bring it up much often, because we all are well clear that this is a very sensitive topic and furthur discussion with the wrong people might end up in huge quarels and what not.

But i choose to bring this up today, for two reasons. One, i want those people to know that we're well clear of how you think about us and how you attempt to concieve your feelings. I have got nothing to say about that really, just wana let you know. Two, i want to bring awareness to this occurence, because if this dissension, segregation, discrimination and exclusion carries on, i dont see a point in the "overall house champion" position. Futhurmore, the house system should be scrapped because instead of promoting school spirit, it is resulting in internal segregation.

Do not take this problem lightly and say that "it's only triton that's like that what. The other houses are fine with each other" or "Triton is just doing this to themselves, cos all they care about is winning". Because, everything is a time bomb. If it can happen to us, it can happen to any other houses. It is just a matter of time.

Before i enter my discussion, i would to introduce to you the Viscious Cycle of Winning.

Triton wins again -> other houses not happy ->they say some very bad stuff and do some really bad things -> Triton gets agitated ->Triton won't swallow it down ->Triton wants to win again -> Triton wins again

and so with every competition and with every turn of event, the enimity will increase.

The house committee has failed to bring the purpose of its exsistence. Yes, the houses are in place to promote school spirit and drive for the students. To promote house spirit you need a common goal. A product of this process is competition. It is inevitable. But it is not the focus. In fact it should not. However, what the houses seem to be doing now is to create futhur segregation in the school as it is. The current situation seems to direct every house towards the goal of winning, or just to see one house defeat, squirm and die. Then we humans should celebrate in joyous occasion of another's pain.

But it should never be a pain in the first place. Because what matters more is the process not the end result. If your comm's goal is to "beat Triton" you are seriously on the wrong track.

I am in no point defending my own house and saying that we are saints, perfectly clear of any blame from this competitive occurrence. I do agree that Triton might have sparked off the importance of winning. We have sneered and made snide remarks equally. However much have been misintepreted and distorted over the course of time. The comm's initial stand is that with every event, we need to have increased participation and maximum fun and experience. The misintepretation came about saying first that we don't have fun in the process and the distortion came in that "winning is more fun than having fun".

With added pressure within the house to win, and with added attacks from the external to lose, as illustrated in the viscious cycle of winning, one would derive more strength and will to win that normal.

The segregation of Triton stems from the people that are in it (refering to the J2s here). We're the only house with people taking single H2 science and H2 economics. By nature of our subject course, we were already different and apart. But to ostracise one from a group because of one's achievement is simply, infantile. What exactly does winning that bloody trophy do any good for anyone. NOTHING. get this right.

If you are here for honour, for glory, i suggest you go back to greece and challenge yourself to the ancient olympics. Men racing barren just for a wreath. Goodness.

For those J1s that want to join the house committee, here's what i got to say. Join it because you love your house and you want to make a difference for the school with your house. Not for the attention the prestige and the interaction. Not just because you want to win win win win win. Being a leader is more that just short term effects and changes, because it will only become 1 word scribbled as a record on a piece of paper in some unknown file.

Conclusion: Stop rolling your eyes, put on a fake smile or snigger when you know any of us are from Triton. Cos that's not what the houses are for. We might as well just do away with everything. Because, it simply defeats its purpose in the end.

Think about it.

To my dearies

2007-03-10T00:29:00.000+08:00

Here's a post out to those who were with me through one of the toughest periods i've ever been through.

Aining: thanks for always being around to let me hug you and pour out my female nonsense to you. I've never met such a wonderful, sweet, funny and cute friend like you.

Khadijah and Siau Ling: Thanks for cheering me up that day with the chocolate ice cream. And most importantly for tolerating my tantrums and craziness and emotional trauma and very very high mood swing. I guess i wudnt have survived any classes without u two around. It makes life easier to bear.

Adele: Thanks for being there to support me and hug me when i cry. I thank God for having met such a friend as you, thru econs tuition. Thank you for being His way of speaking to me. Always appreciate the company and the wonderful "joy" book you gave me.

Michelle: A friendly wonderful neighbour that reminds me of God's hand at work. ALways providing a listening ear for me and a hug. Letting me hug u and also hugging me. I cant express how comforting your hug is cos it's filled with so much love. BIG HUG!

Shude and Nick: Thanks for being there and let me hold your hand. haha. now i know a way to feel better. You guys make me smile and laugh. I'll never forget that feeling when u guys are around. U guys are my sunshine.

Yi ming : thanks for the sms that night. really appreciated it. Made me smile at leastest.. tho i had puffy eyes and could barely see the words. But thanks for being the unbeliblibi hum-sen kor. hur hur

Chris: for allowing me to pour out my stream of consciousness and yet not condem me for it. You're the greatest ~~bitch~~ friend and girl can have.

To everyone else that actualyl knew what was going on and gave me a word of advice or so: THANK YOU!! =D

I wouldt have survived that ordeal without u all around. Made me feel the love so much i find it so hard to be able to let it go. If one day, i might have to leave you all... it'll be a painful one.

Can't thank God more for the friends that i've got.

Love ya all!

Not strong enough

2007-03-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

As I rest against this cold hard wall, will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war had just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again

Will my weakness fall and and now make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there any way to be made whole again
If I be renewed and find forgiveness by the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plans?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out and start again?
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance with me
Please can I have one chance to start again

He took my life into His hands
And turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance, is where I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me,
Oh thank You for my chance to start again

I've been thrown against the wall and held up by my neck.It's all pitch black, for a very long time. I feel the air in me slowly seeping out.

I'm beginning to gasp. A searing pain shoots to my head and it spins. The muscles tighten in me, i kick, i fight to struggle.

Let. Me. Go.

I no longer know what i'm fighting for is what i really want.

I used to have a dream, but i no longer remember it. Even if i did, i'm too afraid to pursue it. I guess it was that period of time when i was young and the "adults" always told me that i would have to "suffer the consequences" of my choice. Of my dream. Then they'd go on about why i should pursue a better education...

stable life
less worry
constant income
happy family
have kids

..
..

All the normalities of life.

I'm still wondering if my reaction to this is just the rebellious and daring youth in me, or is it really me.

I've had it really. Had enough of it. Taking someone else's dream as mine, losing myself in the process.

I've brainwashed myself to such an extent i no longer know what i want. I no longer know who i am.

I even question my very being.. Is this person really me, or is it just a product of the world, the Singaporean society, the people around me. Have all these made me..made me make the decisions i make and here i am now, questioning why i'm sitting in chemistry lecture wondering what the hell i'm doing there.

I know i should be out there. My alter ego is screaming bitch at me.She's telling me to stop walking down the same path. Quick turn back before it's all too late.

Or is it already so.

I just lost it when i realized i was so near yet so far (i know it sounds cliche bt it really is) from what I others aspired me to become. Or is it.. that i.. i dont know. pieces just dont match. But all i know is what stands between it and me, is just me.

I feel i've given so much i'm drying up. I havent gone back to refill my bucket of water. The walk to the well is just so dreading. I don't know why.

Even though i know when i reach it, it will be rewarding. But the journey to the well is just something i dread.

I found out that i am the low down dirt of the world. To give up some friends for others, and then to finally realize once again that the ones that love me the most are the ones i gave up. I wonder where the others went. I really did.

Or is it that i expect too much out of them. I expected them to sit down with me. So their presence will be felt.

But they were not there. I've put too much hope on humans. I've put my dreams and relied on another human. But they're mere humans. Only humans

Yet the ones that bared with lash of my fury gave me the warmest hug, the comforting presence, the understanding. It's as if our hearts linked so well, silence was the answer to our problems.

I wish i could turn back time and redo what i did. but what's done is done. I only hope that i can hug them once again.

But the worst remorse i felt, was that i left God. It reached a point where i could no longer face him. It reached a point i dreaded to pray. It reached a point where i could no longer stand myself, the hypocracy. But God was always there waiting. And i needed to be remind me again.

Why has my faith decreased? Is he not strong enough for the world? He broke me and he brought me up again, to let me grow. It showed me time and time again, it's him i need and nothing else. I've cried countless of time and dash back into his arms. Because i know He will always and forever love me.

That he will be there for me to cast everything on to. To put my desires and plans and future into his hands.

To simply let go.

And only until then,

the vice at my neck lets go and the light shines on the face that stares back into my eyes. Those familiar eyes.

It's me.

tHejOyfULcOmPliCaTiOn

Unwritten

how you know

Forgive and forget

Butter Factory *gu you!*

specifically random post about joy at 1.35pm on 9th june 2009

Out from Under

because He lives

Desert Song

Psalms 139

a circle that never ends

MAKE TROUBLE!

Loud fest '09

Lucky or more than just it

You

Error

s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d

:D

Psalm 40

Which one of U?

Tim89

whee

BLAH

24 hours and less

Women

Server room with joy

My perfect office

so anxious

Breath

i miss you (all)

Non-dualism

Life in the server room

leave

i'm back.. for a while

1st paper -- General Paper

1 more week

i am in serious trouble

test test test!

NDP '07

thanks

The coming of my eulogy

On my death bed

midnight prayer

Untitled

boring post about my life

Red

clouds

T.I.M.E

6 months 6 days

pain in the back

movie

Happy entry

1st May

Ways to relief stress

10pm

words lesbians and relationships

People's questions

Spin

nothingness

Anderson choir

The Holy Rambutans -- grown

The stage

Friends

stream of conciousness

On a much calmer note

My beloved 89s

lost and found

to whoever lah...

words

The thing about the houses

To my dearies

Not strong enough

Butter Factory gu you!